I haven't posted anything since my hospitalization back in June. I desperately want to tell everyone reading this that the lack of updates is a good thing - a sign that everything sorted itself out and turned out okay. Unfortunately, I am unable to type those words. The blurry vision I was experiencing, that we thought was just astigmatism, turned out to be something serious. The kind of serious that never goes away. I wish all of the reassurances that my doctors gave me were true. It will go away they said. It will get better. These things often come and go. You've got age on your side. All those reassurances. All well meaning; all likely true for the vast majority of young people with a sudden onset of double vision. But, as with my leg, when I do something I do it all the way. The double vision didn't disappear, either gradually or suddenly. It stuck around. Or is sticking around. It's still there, ever persistent. Because apparently I have developed an autoimmune disease. And that really sucks. So I haven't updated this blog because I'm processing the unexpected (because these things are never really unexpected, even when we've known somethings not quite right for a while) news. And really, given everything with my leg, because of course that is still an ongoing issue as well, it's been a bit hard to handle at times. I only just feel like I've gotten a hold of everything, and even then there are still bad days. Lots of ups and downs.
I'm hoping today will be a good, albeit a stressful day. For today I am having surgery. Surgery number eleven to try to fix my leg. So as is my tradition, here is a picture of me, not so bushy eyed but ready to go nonetheless.
I don't really want to post about the autoimmune stuff at the moment, but thought it fair to bring up given my long absence after my hospital visit some two and a half months ago. I will get to posting about it eventually. With all the nonsense with my perpetually broken leg, I've always found comfort in writing blog posts. It's helped me to work through muddled thoughts and feelings. But I feel like the best thing for me right now is distraction. While the broken leg nonsense had dragged on far longer than it ever should have (and what feels like infinity at times), there has always been the knowledge that one day it will get better. The autoimmune stuff won't. The definiteness of the situation is both a comfort and a cold hard blow - on the one hand I can expect a new kind of normal without the ups and downs of worrying if it will go away but on the other... well, it's forever. So that kind of really sucks.
I'm not entirely sure where I am going with this. In all likelihood the pre-surgery jitters are making me ramble on a bit. I guess this is just a heads up that I am still here with the same broken leg plus a whole new medical mountain to scale.
As always, it will be okay. We find a new kind of normal. The birds still sing and the sun still shines, and that's a pretty darn good reason to be happy. Add a cup of tea and a good book (plus me glasses... oh, yeah, I have glasses now), and life looks pretty good.
