Appointments everywhere!

I haven't been posting.I do not want to write for myself, let along to update my blog, to type out any of what is going on. As if typing this all out will make everything more reality than it already is... that it will somehow magically make those things I dread come true. The mathematical, permanent-ness of these little black squiggles which somehow form words universally understandable will tell the world what is happening. Foreshadowing, the events will come true. Strange. These words are made of pixels, they will not last. Not something tangible that I can grasp, to hold on to for some warped form of comfort. Alas, I can not cower under a blanket of woven words, the warmth of the courage and support others offer me, shielding me from my fears. The doctors will cut into my soft, scared skin even if someone in Mongolia does not know about it.

Do I want a record of my life? Do I want to be able to look back and see how much pain I was in? The worry? Nervousness? Excited dread, anticipating something I do not want but know will come? Something I need and cannot avoid. Will I regret it if I do not keep a record. Will time fog my memory of the last months, or do the memories of pain not fade? I should write (*type*). I can always delete this later.

These week is hard appointment wise. On Wednesday I have a CT can at 11:30am. This will show the surgeon exactly were every last piece of dead bone is and allow him to remove them in surgery. Thursday at 9:30 am I have an appointment with my infectious disease specialist, who will hopefully be able to answer some of my most pressing questions i.e. why do the latest x rays show dead bone... which has never appeared on previous x rays? Does that means that things are getting worse? And on Friday at 12:30pm I meet with my orthopedic surgeon who will hopefully give my that date of surgery and more information on the impending doom which shall be my PICC line.

I am ready to get this show on the road. These butterflies need to stop fluttering in my stomach, and that won't happen until after surgery and PICC line insertion. A tleast hospital visits mean a visit to Ikea or someother fun place after wards. Thanks mom! for being awesome and always trying to cheer me up *GIANT HUG inserted here*.