In between Scans

I came home for the weekend late Friday afternoon. I was exhausted. Nursing school is amazing, I love it, but it is super busy and non-stop (BTW did I mention that I am in nursing school?!). Sleep and personal life no longer exist.

When I came home on Friday I was not feeling well. I chalked it up to sleep deprivation and a stressful week. I had an online quiz on the Sunday (25th) for lab, another quiz on Monday for Health and Healing, followed by a big scary anatomy and physiology test on Tuesday (It wasn't that hard really... I don't know why everyone freaked out so much. I kind of enjoyed it XD).

Wednesday was supposed to be an easy day. Just lab in the morning. Except I got in an argument with my roommate (long story... I won't go into details, but I will say that after living with her I have never felt so normal and well adjusted in my entire life). I am moving out at the end of March, right before final exams.... more stress.

I did not sleep well Wednesday night - a combination of stress from the argument with my roommate and the bone scan I had on Thursday. It did not go well. I won't get the results until late this week or early next week because I still need to have a WBC scan on Wednesday and Thursday this week. I have, however, had these scans enough times before to know when something is good or bad. I also know that I have never been in a room having a scan with so much tension before. I left feeling worn out and antsy. I cried on the bus ride home.

So by the time that Friday rolled around I really wasn't feeling well. My leg hurt a bit, my head hurt, I had dark circles under my eyes, and I was starting to get chills. I went to bed early and slept late for the first time in a month.

I took Saturday easy. I slept until about noon. I went to run some errands and to the outlet mall with my brother in the afternoon. By the time we got to the outlet mall, my leg was starting to bother me. I thought nothing of it, that it was just sore after spending so much time sitting and studying. But the pain didn't stop, it just kept going an going. My brother and I got home around 5pm, and I immediately took some painkillers, which seemed to help a bit. I had dinner and I did about four hours of anatomy homework. My leg still hurt, I felt nauseous, and the chills persisted. I was miserable.

I wanted to go to bed just before midnight. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I have no clue why, but I decided to look at my right leg.  Behold a red shiny lump next to the scar on my shin! I poked at it... top layer of skin kind of just slid off. Not a lot a skin, but then no skin should slide off at all. I was to tired to deal with it. I went to bed, and lay there for what seemed like hours. My leg throbbed a bit, I could feel fluid collecting and stretching the skin from the inside out. I thought maybe the spot would be gone in the morning.

Morning comes around. Spot still there. Red, puffy, a little bit hot. Not a really big spot, but a spot just the same. Still tired, still a bit nauseous. I cried a lot to day. I don't want to have to do this all over again. I don't want this nasty icky infection inside of me. I am to busy to deal with it. I need to focus on becoming a nurse, not being the patient, again! There were so many tears. Such a antsy feeling in the pit of my stomach, waiting for the WBC scan later this week.... knowing it will likely reaffirm what my doctors and I already know from the latest MRI. While my classmates get to learn about restrains and proper body mechanics this week in lab, I get to have my blood taken, mixed with a radioactive tracer, and re-injected into my body, and then have a scan of my entire body to see what is going on in there. Not fair.

I am emotionally a mess. I am sad. I am angry. I am dejected. I am all these feeling bunched up inside of me, making me feel horrible and icky and and and....This all started nine years ago. When is enough enough? I don't want to be the patient. I want to be healthy. I want to be the nurse.