I just finished having a good long cry.
After seeing my orthopedic surgeon on May 29th I had several lovely days without night sweats, to the point I thought, hey, maybe they are over. But they weren't. Happens Three nights in a row - Wednesday,Thursday, Friday night. I was completely spent on Wednesday, followed by a very long day on Thursday (up at 4:30am to get to clinical on time, and not home back in St. Catharines until 11:00pm). Friday I was completely spent again. Saturday was still tired by a bit better. And today is completely utterly drained. So drained I don't see myself getting an assignment done and handed on time. That is not like me. I always get things done well in advance, always get top marks. I make it a point to put extra effort into my school work just so the bone infection doesn't get the best of me. But not this time. I am more than fried. My brain feels like mush, my thoughts are slow like molasses.
I mean it when I say I don't think I have felt this horrible since before I was diagnosed in 2011.
Tomorrow morning I will call infectious disease - see if she wants me back on antibiotics. I am assuming she will... so much for enjoying summer and feeling well before surgery once the semester ends. I have been having more bone pain as well, and a new small red bump had shown up on my shin. If this the result of stopping the doxycycline on the 27th? Is this what I get for pumping myself full of them for 15 weeks? Something that is supposed to make me feel better? The effect goes away almost instantly once I stop them? If this is how I feel from now until surgery, I don't know how, or if, I can manage.
So I had a good cry. I am still knackered, but I feel a tad better emotionally.
I don't like to use the word hate. It is a strong word, an ugly word. But I hate chronic osteomyelitis. An ugly word to match an ugly infection. The two fit perfectly together.
hello jedida ..... barbs from mbl here
ReplyDeletedammit - i'm with you on this one !
It looks like you'll probably have to stay on antibiotics until the surgery - is it possible to look into alternative antibiotics which don't make you feel so bad ?
I remember the frustration of every sample taken to the labs coming back with no result, no way to pinpoint the particular strain of infection and target it with the appropriate antibiotics.
You have such difficult decisions to make, your studies are so important and to hold a middle path between holding the infection at bay and completing your semester is no mean feat.
as always, my thoughts are with you.
stay strong, sweetness
(((hugs)))
x
Hello Barb! I hope that you are doing well =)
DeleteI was so excited to be off the antibiotics for a few month, but you are right, that probably won't happen now. I called my infectious disease specialist this morning and left a lengthy message, but haven't heard back yet. Fingers crossed she or her assistant call in the morning. I will ask her if I can be on a different antibiotic. She had me on Doxy specifically because it is supposed to be well tolerated, but the sun sensitivity will ruin the summer (or at least any fun I might have between school and the bone infection). This whole thing is maddening. I just want to scream "I'm done!" and storm out as if I were losing a game of monopoly. But infections don't work that way. You just get strung along, and along, and then along some more. The worst is definitely not knowing what is causing the infection. How can something live inside me for so long but be a complete mystery?
I forgot that it was possible to feel this tired. Funny how time changes our memories over time...
I was able to get an extension for my psych. assignment, so I will try to get that done after mid terms next week. Give myself a few days off to sleep at some point. The second half of the semester will be a struggle. It will be a relief to finish finals on August 14th, and hopefully dive right into surgery.
I feel like I am just repeating the same spiel over and over again - I'm tired, my leg hurts, night sweats, waiting for surgery. There isn't much new to say at the moment. It is as infuriating for me as is likely is for anyone reading this.
Hope you have a lovely evening and all is well on your end!