Pictures!

Picture time! I can only take pictures with my phone, so they aren't the best quality, but I really want to share them because the blanket was the one good, consistent thing I've relied on to get me through all these long months that never ever disappointed me (yeah, I'm looking at you, heterotopic ossification thing). Plus some little tidbits about making the blanket.

1) I used the same needle to stitch the entire thing. I'm pretty sure I've worn an entire layer of metal off of it by now It's gone from shiny and silver to dull and grey... might be time for a new needle now.

2) I kept little notes everywhere when I was working on the blanket. Some of the sections on the blanket were really easy because I used one pattern. This mean that I only had to find the center of the square and start stitching. Other sections, however, are made of bits of different patterns that I choose together. This required a lot of thought to map out (first on paper, then on the actual blanket with single strands of white thread to help guide me) and could be painfully time consuming. But it was the only way to guarantee that the images would be centered and everything would fit properly. Other times the pattern I choose would be to big for the square so I would have to alter things a little bit or take out small sections to get things to fit without ruining the overall design. I think it was well worth the effort. here are some of the notes I had lying about.

3) I also kept track of how many hours each square took to complete, hence the grid with numbers in the picture above.

4) Here are all the patterns I used to complete the project. There are twenty-one of them. Some of the patterns were used for multiple squares e.g., the fairy tale patter was used for three squares (the circle of flowers was originally only around the dress, but then I added it around the castle and Cinderella like coach as well), I used the pattern with laundry hanging on the square for two squares, etc.

5) Just to compare, a brand new never used before embroidery hoop on the left and the hoop I used to complete this project on the right. Look at that colour difference. The hoop I used used to look like the new hoop XD

6) I spent my tax return on embroidery supplies. *Shh. Don't tell!*

7) My next two project. I'm doing the Seashore sampler (left) first - I adore Madeleine Floyd's designs. After that I want to stitch the butterflies (right).

 8) I know where all the mistakes are in the blanket XD

9) Pictures of the overall blankets and each square:

A couple views of the finished project:

First square, twenty hours, three different patterns. I picked the colours.

Second square, fifteen hours (I know where the mistakes are in this one!), one pattern. Some of the flowers and hearts were cut off because they didn't fit in the square. I picked the colours.

Third square, twenty-five hours, three items from a series of patterns that went together. I picked the colours.

 

Fourth square, thirty hours, one patter. The patter was only a portion of the finished work. It took a long time to map this out and then I had to concentrate really hard to stitch the design nine times. I picked the colours.

Fifth square, twenty-five hours, several patterns from the same series. I picked the colours.

Sixth square, twenty-five hours, same as above. I picked the colours.

Seventh square, twenty hours, three different patterns. I picked the colours.

 Eight square, twenty hours, two hearts from the same series, each done twice. I picked the colours.

Ninth square, thirty hours, one pattern. I picked the colours. The lace work was amazing to do - just seeing it come together was fascinating.

Tenth square, thirty hours, two patterns. I used the suggested colours for the little dog. Then I used those colours to stitch the butterfly/flowers at the bottom. The hearts are from the same series as the butterfly/flowers.

Eleventh square, thirty hours, one pattern. I used the suggested colours.

Twelfth square, twenty hours, two patterns. The flower came from the series with the tea pot (the first square I completed). The bumble bees are from a different pattern. I stitched them around the flower wherever I thought they should go. I choose the colours.

Thirteenth square, thirty hours, one pattern. I used the suggested colours. This pattern was bigger, with two smaller animal in it, but they couldn't all fit in the sq

Fourteenth square, fifteen hours, one pattern from a series of three. Used suggested colours. I used gold thread for the first time ever while stitching this project. It didn't work well on this fabric so I didn't use it in any other square. I look forward to trying it again on aida fabric.

Fifteenth square, fifteen hours, from the same series as the square above. Use the suggested colours. The originally pattern just is just of the carriage. I added the circle of flowers from the princess dress pattern.

Sixteenth square, forty-five hours, one patter. I used the suggest colours. I did not include the sequins that the patter suggested  between the flowers. I think they would be pulled off the blanket too easily or snag on things.

Seventeenth square, fifteen hours, one pattern from the series with the princess dress and carriage. Used the suggested colours. Like the carriage, I added the circle of flowers myself. I made lots of mistakes in this one...

Eighteenth square, fifty hours, all the patterns in a series. Used the suggested colours. This one took a long time to map out. Also, I couldn't do the french knots on this fabric, so those are missing from this (and all the other) squares. I tried picking patterns without any french knots in them.

Nineteenth square, thirty hours, on pattern. Used the suggested colours. This pattern was actually to tall to fit into the square so I had to take out lines here and there. I am very pleased with the end result.

Twentieth (and final!) square, fifty hours, fours patterns. I choose my own colours for everything except the birds/flowers/butterflis around the three middle words. This one took so much work to map out. All the big letters that make up love and grow came individually, and if I hadn't altered the letters none of the words would have fit on the square. The middles three words were from a different pattern, also all as individual letters. The bird, flowers and butterflies in the center were from the same series - the bird ad the flowers directly around it were one pattern but everything else I choose to my liking.

The final square is based on something I did months and months ago, after I had the initial surgery to remove the infected bone from my leg. I had coloured a picture that and changed the text to say "Love makes tibias grow". I then posted about it and said that if love were enough, my tibia would have grown back in a night. Unfortunately, that;s not how things work. But my leg will get there in the long run, even if it's not quite there yet. I thought this phrase was very fitting given the situation.

And there you have it! My blanket. On to the next project now XD I can't walk very far yet anyways, so I might as well make good use of my time.

It's done!

So there's this thing I have been talking about on here for the last nine months. A thing that doesn't involve my leg. Say what?!? Yeah, I've actually had something going in my life that doesn't involve my leg. Trust me, I'm just as shocked as you are. Pretty much everything in my life has to do with my leg right now, from struggling to find pants that fit, showering with a garbage bag taped over my leg, and clobbering people with my angry bird crutches to the seemingly endless slew of doctor's appointments. Everything is somehow leg related. All the time. No. Matter. What. Except for this things.

Way back when, much longer than I have been keeping this blog, I started collecting cross stitch patterns. I've always loved cross stitching, so it was a natural thing to do, but I never quite seemed to find the time to stitch anything that required more than five or ten hours. So for years I've had this growing pile of patterns in my room, just begging to be stitched one day. Between writing essays and work I would occasionally look at the pile remorsefully, hoping to one day actually get to stitch something. The intent was always there, but the timing never perfect. A couple of years ago, the local craft store was selling most of their cross stitch supplies. Naturally, I jumped at the chance to buy some cool stuff before the store's selection was reduced to embroidery floss, needles and hoops. And that's when I found the blanket.

The blanket to end all blankets. THE BLANKET.

Okay, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic here, but for a tea loving, book reading, cross stitching, loves to curl up under a mountain of blankets girl it was pretty awesome. And it was fifty percent off, so my wallet was happy. Except I still didn't have the time to actually do any cross stitching.

And then came that horrible word at the start of 2015: relapse. If there is one word I hate above all others, it's relapse. Aside from it's meaning, I just find it really unpleasant to say. Anyways, I relapsed and knew that I would have to deal with my health problems at some point. The thing was, I wasn't that sick at that moment. My infectious disease specialist said it would have to be treated at some point but that it wasn't urgent and my surgeon thought it might be best to wait until after I graduated and got a job. You know, because health insurance and stuff. But I knew it would have to be taken care of at some point. And because I'm organized and worry way too much about the future, I started thinking about what I could do to pass all the months I would inevitably spend stuck on the sofa in my pajama pants. That's when I remember the blanket. It was like an "Aha!" moment. I didn't have to waste a year of my life binge watching stuff on Netflix. I could actually make something, be productive, while watching said stuff on Netflix.

If you've been following this blog, the rest of the story is pretty self explanatory. I got much sicker with the bone infection than we ever thought I would and it was decided (or my body dictated - I didn't have much choice at that point) that we would treat the bone infection sooner than later. Sooner being last August. That's how I finally got the much sought after time to cross stitch. That's how I make lemons into lemonade.

I had the surgery to remove the infected section of my tibia on August 26th. I started working on the blanket around September 12th, just over a week after I was discharged from the hospital, and I've been stitching ever since. It was a really big learning experience. Just forcing yourself to keep working on the same project can be difficult. I think it helped that the blanket was divided into different sections. Even though I was working on one big project, it felt like many smaller projects, making completing the project more conceivable. Each section had that lovely beginning when you are excited to start something new, the middle when you've got a fair bit done and are just happily stitching along, and an end where you're kind of ready to finish the project and start looking forward to the next thing to stitch. I had a tremendous amount of fun! Between picking colours to stitch with (or sometimes sticking with the colour key), mixing and matching patterns and playing with the layout of the blanket, I got a lot of satisfaction. Plus the opportunity to use my brain. I spent a lot of time in a narcotic induced haze, but stitching was something I could actually still do. My only complaint was the fabric itself. The finished product is beautiful, but I will never work on fabric like it again. It wasn't your standard aida fabric or, worst case, evenweave. If you made the cross stitches a certain way, the thread would somehow pull through it and you'd be left with half a cross stitch or a big mess. It was just horrible to work with. Never again. In the end, it took 540 hours to complete. At least, that's the number of hours it took to stitch. I'm not including the time spent picking patterns and colours, playing with the layout, and so forth. I didn't keep track of those things. But the actual stitch time was 540 hours. I kept track of how many hours it took to stitch each section too. It's amazing to see how different patterns that took varying amounts of time to stitch look when put together. The quickest patterns took fifteen hours an the longest took fifty.

So, without further ado, here are the pictures I have been promising for months on end!

Last December, stitching late into the night. This was the eighth square I completed.

 Much needed break at Christmas to stitch something else...

January - look at all the pretty colours! About to start a new section of the blanket.

Tying up loose ends.

And working on the final square:

And..... DONE!

It was really difficult trying to get a picture of the entire thing, so I will post pictures of the individual squares in the next post (which I will be posting tonight). But here it is: my blanket. The blanket I made. Who can say that now a days? I actually made a blanket XD No matter what happens with my leg, it's going to be one good beautiful thing that came out of all this. I finished it on May 18ths, about nine months after starting it and two days before the fixator came off (albeit unexpectedly). I find that fitting in many ways. I'm so glad I did stuck with it. There were days I stitched for ten hours and weeks on end I didn't pick up a needle and thread once, but here it is. Now I just have to find some lovely fabric to back it with. My mum is going to help with that since I'm not so handy with the sewing machine. 

Oh, I'm also onto my next project already, but that one will only take fifty hours to stitch!

Usefulness

I am glad that the external fixator is gone, but you have to admit that it was good for some things...

Magazine rack.

 Tape dispenser.

Way to keep your cup of tea upright so both hands are free for the raid you are about to embark on with your kinmates.

Christmas decoration.

 Accessory that perfectly matches my shoes.

See, it wasn't all bad! There is no doubt that I am glad that it's no longer attached to my leg, but in some way I am going to miss it. Six months is a long time to have something stuck to your leg. It was really odd the first few days without it, as in "It still felt like it was there". I would leave my self extra room to avoid knocking the no longer present fixator into something. I would only roll so far onto my side when trying to fall asleep because I new that rolling over would mean pressing the fixator pins against the mattress. I swear that I could feel the blankets getting caught on the fixator after it came off. *sigh* I hope it quickly turns into a distant memory. Time is good like that. You never quite forget, but the memories are dulled a bit, like you are swimming through murky water to find something.

First steps!

Here I am talking my first steps in approximately nine months. Taken maybe thirty minutes after my external fixator was removed.

So long!

My external fixator came off last Friday. Yes, you read that right! My external fixator came off, and almost a month earlier than anticipated too. It was very quick at a pretty impromptu doctor's appointment. Lots has happened since the last time I wrote a proper update - I failed to dock properly, one of my pins got infected and warranted an extra trip to the operating room, lots of lovely new bone visible in the x-rays taken at the end of April (almost all of which was in the right spot!). I will get to all of that at some point, I promise, but the ex fix removal is news that trumps all else, so that is what I am going to blog about first XD So here goes...

I have been getting home visits from the community nurses since I got my external fixator at the end of November. Not that this is the first time that I've had home care, of course, but just to give you some perspective on the length of time they stick around for - they have been coming to my place for the last six months. They check up on my pin sites, order any supplies that I am running low on, and ask me how I am going in general (pain? discomfort? emotionally? has cabin fever set in yet? You get the picture). I typically only see a home nurse once every two weeks, just to make sure that things are okay because, you know, giant metal pins sticking through your flesh pose an infection risk. If anything went really wrong I like to think I would have enough sense to drive straight up to the hospital in Hamilton, but the home nurses provide that extra bit of reassurance I might need between doctor's appointments. A good thing they are available, because I needed that second opinion last week!

Last week Monday or Tuesday my bottom pin site did something it had never done before - it completely drenched the dressing. When I say drenched, read "the dressing was so wet that it was no longer absorbing anything, so the stuff draining out of my leg was literally running down my foot and dribbling onto the floor - it was as gross as it sounds. The skin around the pin also looked pretty mushy. Although the drainage had somewhat slowed down by Thursday morning, I was still uncomfortable with the amount coming out and I definitely didn't like how red the skin was, so I was happy the home nurse was coming later on. When she came, the nurse agreed that the pin site didn't look that great - no infected, because there was no puss or pain, but definitely worth a gander at by a doctor. She advised me to call my surgeon's office to find out what I should do. And that is what I did, because the thought of anything going wrong with my leg scares the living daylights out of me. It's like the holy grail of body parts at this point. Too many x-rays, too may surgeries, too many appointments, too much pain, too much worry, too much time invested by my doctor, surgeon, and myself. To gain some more perspective, I am twenty-three and I have been doing this stuff for the past ten years. No person my age should have to go through what I have during the last decade. So holy grail of body parts it is.

I called my surgeon's office straight away after the nurse left. This gives you some idea of how serious I was taking things. There have been many times when I have toyed with the idea of calling my surgeon or infectious disease specialist, showing up at the fracture clinic unannounced without an appointment or heading over to the emergency department, but it doesn't often turn into anything more than an idea, a thought in my head. I like to think I am a pretty level headed person and am able to make the right judgement calls regarding my health without appearing like a complete and utter hypochondriac. So when I call my surgeon's office, knowing that call will likely result in an appointment the next day (plus the hour long drive there and back home after), you know I am really concerned about something. So I called my surgeon's office and actually got through straight away. I explained what was going on with the surgeon's assistant who said she would contact him straight away but to expect to have to come in to the fracture clinic in the morning. She called back minutes later to confirm this and, get this, to not eat or drink anything after midnight because the fixator might be coming off.

And then you are left, hanging in that moment, trying to figure out what to do, what to think. Should I play it off and assume that the fixator will be staying on for another month, or do I dare get my hopes up that it will be coming off in the morning? Am I willing to risk the latter, knowing the disappointment will be all the greater if it doesn't happen? But how can I not get my hopes up...? And so that line of thinking went. Time gets kind of skewed when you deal with chronic medical problems. There is this giant urge to want to plan for the future, to be normal like everyone else, to have dreams and believe that they can become reality. But there is always something tugging you back too - that knowledge of your health, the limitations it imposes on you and the confines of your current reality. You have to find this balance between hope and being realistic, and that is no easy feat to achieve. It is also ever changing. One day you can be content with where you are, but the next you might feel feed up and robbed of the life you feel should have (or at least wish had) been yours. I don't think this could apply more to external fixators. You want to hope and dream and plan, but you are physically held back by the rods, clamps and pins, dragging you down like some sort of metaphorical anchor... but then it's not metaphorical; it's literally an anchor weighing you down. But now I am wandering back into that weird "limbo" area I talked about all those years ago when the bone infection was first diagnosed. Strange, isn't it, that the same concept still applies even though the situation has changed? Anyways, back to the main point - the fixator and the mushy pin.

Here is my leg last week Thursday (the 19th). I was getting weary of it. I was getting too used to it, too comfortable, fidgeting with the pins and playing with the rubber band at either end of the blue tube-y thing. I was so used to it that I had forgotten how bent the pins had become. They were just a part of me, some weird extension of my actual body. The second picture shows the mushy pin site, but it doesn't do it justice. If only I could have captured a picture of the fluid draining out of it!

Final shot before bed... All that hope and fear and nervous anticipation. I actually didn't sleep very much. I was much too nervous for that. So I read a magazine and killed some orcs in LOTRO.

I had been instructed to come to the fracture clinic first thing in the morning. I was prepared to be there a while because I knew I didn't have an appointment. I assumed I would be squeezed in among all the surgeon's other patients. Rightfully so, as he can see anywhere between eighty to a hundred twenty patients a day (or roundabout, given what the staff at the clinic have told me in the past).

Making silly faces on the drive up to Hamilton. And listening to music with headphones in. I never do that; I find it incredibly rude to the people you are driving with, but I was that nervous. No talking, just music and a few stupid selfies.

 My shoes that match the fixator! This girl has got her priorities straight.

Mum and I got there in good time and, to my surprise, where pretty much the first to be seen by the surgeon. My surgeon took one look at the mushy pin site and said "It's coming off today, right now". To which I, not quite believing what I heard said "Really?" Followed by his quick retort "Really. Once they start getting mushy like that they [fixators] no longer have a purpose. We're not waiting for the OR any longer." And with that the matter was settled. Heave a great sigh of relief and exclaim "Thank god!". Not that I believe in god, but you can't really say "Thank surgeon!" That just sounds funny and doesn't have nearly as much emphasis to it. So off the fixator would come. No OR, not sedation, no pain meds (I hadn't had any in weeks). But also no pre-op appointment. So I think things came out better in the end. Well, except pain wise. Never believe your surgeon if he tells you that having your fixator removed "will feel uncomfortable". Lies. All lies. Worst pain ever.

Also, it wasn't my surgeon who took the fixator off but one of the lovely ortho techs from the fracture clinic. I guess they spare the surgeons that bit. They get to do the fun part - putting it on while the patient is asleep - unlike the not so fun painful causes you to scream out in pain part.

One last picture for old time's sake. The little tool thing next to the ortho tech's glove is what they use to undue the bolts holding the clamps together. This is uncomfortable, but worse. I can't describe how it feels. All the pins have been under a great deal of tension, especially since they started to bend. The muscles in my leg have also been shoved aside by the pins all these long months that the fixator has been on. So when the bolts are released, those pins move around a bit and it's like all your muscles are released, no more pressure/tension. It hurts, it's a feeling that goes down deep into your bones. It's just nasty; it takes your breath away.

Here is my leg after the clamps and rod/tube part have been removed. The orange/brown stuff around the pins is the iodine used to clean around the pins before the fixator is removed. The pins sticking out of my shin are approximately six inches long. At this point I got a break to try to relax and get ready for the next part. Honestly, the only way I can describe the ex fix removal is like a dear in headlights moment. There is panic and fear and lots of discomfort, and you know that more is coming so you want to run away but you can't - you have to stick it out till the end, and that is incredibly difficult. I wish that painful procedures got easier the more you get under your belt, but it doesn't work that way. You think you have experienced it all, and then there is it - another type of pain.

Once I had a bit of time to recover, the ortho tech came back to remove the pins. This is done with a drill. I asked how long it would take and was told "as fast as possible without burning the bone'. Fun times. So here I am with me, my mum, the ortho tech and a med student who got to watch (and apply pressure to stop the bleeding once the pins were out). Having the pins removed was everything and worse than I had imagined. The drill has to be tightened around each pin, which itself is uncomfortable. And then... well, use your imaginations. There is a lot of painful pressure radiating through the bone when a pin is taken out and all your muscles want to seize up. I screamed. Not a lot, but enough. And there weren't any tears, but I could feel them welling up. After the first one came out the ortho tech tried to reassure me "at least it's only three and not five". I told her that she was a nice person and I generally liked her, but at that moment I didn't think she was a very nice person. She laughed, said she was waiting for me to say that at some point because most people do! I took a moment or so before being ready for the second one to come out, thinking well if that one is out we are over half way. Then more trying to relax and soothing words. By the time the third one was coming out I didn't want to have anything more to do with fixators. I just wanted to be left alone. But I let them do it just to get it done with. And then I sat in silence for a while as they put pressure on the pin sites and talked about ice cream. Hah! There I am, trying not to burst into tears and they are talking about the strangest ice cream flavors they have ever had.

And that was it. A big check mark on my to do list next to ex fix removal. Next? Learn to walk again. Once the fixator was off I briefly spoke with my surgeon some more. Here's how things are going to play out over the next month: 1) stay on antibiotics until all the pin sites have healed and I see infectious disease again (surgeon had seen her earlier that morning at a meeting, she sent her regards) 2) Start walking - progress from two crutches down to one and then to a cane. The hard core weight bearing will start after the next appointment with my surgeon (I assume this will mean ditching the cane) 3) Leg can't get wet until all the pin sites have healed, so stick with the garbage bag and duct tape for the mean time (Red Green would be proud. Ten Internets for you if you get the reference!) 4) Come back in four weeks for x-rays. My last set of x-rays was taken at the end of April. There was no point in getting new one because only a few weeks had passed and it will take upwards of a month for the bone to bounce back if it will at all. This has me a little bit anxious - I already have the gap of bone at the bottom of my leg to contend with and the fact that we never docked properly, so I don't need bone bouncing back thrown into the mix. If the bone does bounce back, the answer is to walk even more (walking promotes bone growth). It won't be for another six or so months before we know if everything is successful or if I will still need a bone graft (although I distinctly remember my surgeon saying at some point that the chance of needing a bone graft is slim, only around twenty percent). And that's it really. Start figuring out how to walk again after nine long months and see you in a month for more x-rays. Seriously though, my surgeon is pretty amazing. If everything goes well over the next months, he will literally have given me a fully functioning leg. Wouldn't that be amazing?

First steps in nine months! Also,so long baggy stretchy jeans that fit over the fixator!

My leg with the dressings covering the former pin sites. It's like a twig.

Wearing the pajama pants I want to wear, not the ones that fit over the fixator! Also, Finnegan the Fox (MacKids plush for 2016), my reward forgetting through the fixator removal. Apparently even though I screamed I got through it better than most (unless they say that to everyone). He's me reward for getting through it. Without pains meds to boot!