... but I always hope (and simultaneously fear), nonetheless, that the next set of scans won't show anything at all. That my doctors will announce that I am magically cured! I hope because I don't want to be ill. No pain, no surgeries, no worry, fear, and uncertainty. I could be normal and healthy like my peers. I could feel invincible! I could plan for the future. Hoping to be cured is normal even though I know it will not happen on its own - it is part of ever person's desire to be health but it is not a realistic expectation. The hope is still there, always, inside me. Because this hope is always there, scan results are more stressful than they could be, and the let down when scans do show disease is always painful. I know I will not be magically cured, but I still hope, which makes scan results that show infection hard, even though I know that is the expected outcome beforehand.
Sometime I am afraid that my next scans will show no evidence of an infection. That doesn't really make sense, does it? Who would want scans to show disease? I don't want this. I want my health back and to focus entirely on my nursing education. But in order to get better, the problem first has to be fixed, and the requires the scans to show something wrong. I was misdiagnosed for five years. I had multiple scans - White blood cell scans, bone scans, etc. - and they always came back inconclusive. The doctors I had at the time interpreted inconclusive as negative and therefore ignored my physical symptoms instead of investigating further. We later learned that inconclusive definitely does not mean that nothing is wrong. So for five years my mum and I new something bad was going on inside me and we continuously brought it up with my doctors (bone pain, swelling, inflammation, wounds draining fluid, etc. etc.) - doctors who continuously ignored us. I know my current doctors agree that the infection is back and that we have scans/x rays that support that, but I am still irrationally afraid that my doctors will turn around and say "nothing is wrong with you, go home". I feel that my diagnosis is validated if the next scans show something. My past experiences and misdiagnosis are behind my fear that the scans won't show anything or that they will be inconclusive and therefore ignored. That is why I want the scans to show something - more proof of what we already know is going on in my leg.
This tug of war between fear and hope is always there when I wait for scan results. I want opposite things at the same time - for scan results to show that I am both healthy and have a bone infection. I need to work on not feeling like this, to sit down and tell myself "realistically we know the infection is there. Just expect the scan to show that and I will not be disappointed. Anything better is a bonus".
On a side note, I am thoroughly enjoying my break between semesters one an two.
Today I embroidered for the entire afternoon and evening.
I have not had time to do this since Christmas!
This cross stitch project came from a magazine (Cross Stitch Crazy) I bought a year or two ago. I love these "free" projects because they are quick to complete and make great gifts. Of course they are not really free... you pay for it in the price of the magazine. I make sure to only buy them when I really like the included project. They usually come with everything you need - aida fabric, pattern, thread, needle, and envelope, or in this case, ribbon. I couldn't find the magazine that had the pattern in it (purges cross stitch magazines a while back) so I worked off the picture below. I made a few small errors, but over all I think it looks lovely!
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