Another lovely day has come to an end - the sun has set, the bird song outside has quieted, and I have donned my woolen socks to stave off the evening chill, reminding me that although the days are warmer it is still barely spring here (two weeks ago we still had snow!).
When I had the bone infection the last time, I was forced to slow down my life. I have always been one to enjoy the little things in life (I like to think it is all the little things together that make life so beautiful. We must therefore enjoy both everything all together and individually to fully appreciate our own little worlds, floating and bumping, merging for short periods, with those of others), but being ill shrunk my world to the point that the each little thing felt precious and important. I enjoyed that feeling immensely. I learned to take pleasure out of everything, no mature how minute. When I got better, I vowed to stay like that. In many ways I did - walking at dusk to hear the birds, see nature come to life while many others g inside for the night, listening to the rain, feeling my toes in wet dewy grass while walking in the park in the morning, savoring a cup of tea, But I have also been drawn back into the hubbub of daily life - rushing to catch a bus to school, working hard as a nursing student, dreaming of my future, feeling impatient and that I am should racing towards it full steam ahead. I try to balance indulging in all the little aspects of life around me and my life as an increasingly independent adult.
I hadn't realized how much busier my life had become until the relapse. In between all the scans and doctors appointments my life, I feel, has drastically slowed down again. Yes, I am still a nursing student and the next semester will being on Monday, but I am more calm and relaxed than at the start of the year. I think illness does that to you - makes you focus on the here and now rather than the future. Having surgery for a fall, which requires taking two semester (eight months) off adds to this. my big focus is making it to surgery - in regards to the rest of my life it is a short term goal, but it fills my life completely. Nothing is being planned beyond the end of the next semester/end August. The combination of being ill (which makes me reflect on life and what we are all doing in this crazy chaotic world), and waiting for something I dread (surgery and the inevitable accompanying pain) are what cause me to slow down. Being ill sucks, but slowing down feels fantastic... luxurious. I walked in the park for an over an hour today (with my wide brimmed hat of course. Darn it Doxycycline!). I made tea when I came home, toasted bread with fresh black forest ham. I sat on a bench and felt the cool breeze on my lower legs and bare feet. I forgot this feeling. Life is both so much simpler and more complex when you are ill.
Inevitably I will tell myself to hold onto these feelings and attitude towards life when I get better. As experience has taught me, however, I will eventually merge back into "normal life". It makes me wonder if the there are certain things, even feelings and attitudes, you can only have when you are ill. If so, I am not saying that I enjoy being ill, because I don't - it is horrible, and suck, and filled with pain and worry and uncertainty - but there are also good parts. We find ways to make things ok for ourselves, and that means getting some good experiences out of being ill as well. Part of that means slowing down and learning to create joy out of everything.
No comments:
Post a Comment