Oh

I will likely be getting an external fixator during the next surgery in a few months. This was not in the original game plan. I have heard about fixators before but always skimmed over any information about them included in anything on bone infections because "Hey, it's irrelevant to me, so why bother?" Except it is not anymore... so I thought I would read up on them. Overwhelming. That is all I have to say. "Oh. No. What have I done?" I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I walked willingly into that operating room a week ago, on my own two functioning feet. And now I can't go back. I don't have a tibia, and the only way we can fix that is more surgery and... and a fixator. If I thought not having a tibia was scary, having one of those frames is 10x worse.

I don't want to read about them. It is inevitable that it will come up with my surgeon next week, but for now I don't want to know anything about it. Time to start binge watching some Walking Dead or something. Anything but external fixators.

Edit: I say willingly... but it wasn't really. I had a choice to have surgery but at the end of the day I didn't have much choice, not with sleeping 15 hours a day, feeling spaced out all the time, bone pain, relying on IV antibiotics to get me through the semester at school. I shouldn't regret my decision just because the future is scary and unknown and full of pain and potential complications. I know I made the right choice. I just wish this was easier. I am having one of those "why me?" moments.