I had my pre-op appointment this morning as planned. The day started well - lots of jokes and laughter as my mum and I drove up to Hamilton. Mum hasn't been to a pre-op appointment with me since 2012. As a result, she didn't quite remember the process and how much of a hassle it could be. The pre-op clinic was approached with several groans and the inevitable realizations that we could be there for a while. I was somewhat amused, having done it several times on my own. It was all good, though - we both brought a book to read.
We arrived about quarter to ten and where done and out the door by twelve thirty. Not bad, as I have had pre-op take up to four hours in the past. Mum bought herself and I some cake from the cafe on the main floor (I have a thing for hospital cake... weird, I know), so we enjoyed that after I filled out my the necessary forms. Mum and I giggled a lot at the forms, like the section that asks if you can walk up two flights of stairs without having to pause. This question has to do with your heart/lungs, but the irony was not lost on me. There is no way that I can get up even one flight of stairs without stopping, let alone one!
The nurse who took my vitals and blood sample was really sweet. We had a good chat and discussed nursing opportunities once I graduate (fingers crossed for April 2017!) and write my certification exam. She says that 98% of nurses get hired right away. I'm hoping that's true. Even if it is just part-time work, it's better than being a cashier or an unemployed history major all my life. I really feel that nursing is the right profession for me. I'm not sure I would necessarily call it a calling, but it feels right, like something I am meant to do. And all the medical stuff I am personally going through will really help with empathy and understanding what patients going through, something that does seem rather lacking in the system at the moment.
But back to pre-op. The nurse I chatted with was lovely. She asked me the same old questions as always and briefly went over my med list. She had to take blood. I am a hard stick after so much blood work over the years, so I am never fond of this part. Not only do my veins seem to collapse, often before they are poked but sometimes mid-way through giving a sample, there is also loads of scar tissue around my inner elbows where they generally like to get blood from. Last year I even had it taken from my inner forearm - that was not fun! Fortunately the nurse got a vein on the first try, although it hurt like crazy which it usually doesn't.
After that, I went back to a waiting room for a bit before being seen by one of the anesthesiologists. He listened to my lungs and made me turn my head every which way to make sure I was okay to get a breathing tube. I was a bit anxious about getting general anesthesia again because of what happened in the recovery last time - uncontrollable shivering which continued to happen throughout the week long hospital stay that followed. I was never told what caused this although the anesthesiologist I had then did make a mistake with ordering too little pain medication. He even apologized for it the next day. The anesthesiologist I spoke with today says it was likely shock caused by pain. This makes sense given the type of procedure I had done and the mistakes in pain medication that were made. It is reassuring to know that it should not happen again.
After that, I was done. The anesthesiologist wished me well and I said a cheerful goodbye to the staff at the main desk in the pre-op clinic. All in all it went well and took less than three hours, so I was pleased. There are, however, some things I want to mention about today's appointment. All positive about the staff of course, but still some heavy-ish topics:
1) The nurses at the main pre-op desk remember me. This makes me rather sad. Today was the fourth time I have had a pre-op appointment there, the third time in just over six months. I don't think they see a lot of people my age, so it does make sense. And on top of that, I am always cheerful and smiling, and I think people remember smiling faces better - they stand out, so many people frown all of the time. To add to that even more, my medical history is quite long (especially considering that it about a single problem - one broken leg and bone infection, not multiple illnesses or injuries over the years). Because it is so long, it generally shocks people a bit, and I think that might be why they remember me, at least in part anyways.
2) I was, once, more the youngest person in the waiting room. This is something I find happening all too often. While pre-op is at the children's hospital, along with my infectious disease specialist, I spend most of my time at the General Hospital. The youngest patients there are eighteen, except sometimes in the emergency department, so twenty-three is still quite young. Being the youngest person in the room most of the time just reinforces the notion that I am doing things that I shouldn't be doing, that my peers won't be doing for thirty, forty, or if they are lucky sixty years. Just to give you some perspective, I started seeing my current surgeon when I was nineteen; it wouldn't surprise me if I was one of if not the youngest patients he has been seeing for such a long time (over four years now). I could be wrong, of course, but I doubt it. Not many young people go through such drawn out fracture related problems.
3) Everyone is always really impressed with my positive attitude about everything. I have been thinking about this quite a lot recently. First, I think that you have to stay positive, along with having a twisted sense of humor, to get through everything I have been through. I mean, we are literally talking over a decade of infections, appointments, scans, surgeries, blood work, and so on. I think that you need these things to get through a medical crisis or chronic illness at any age, but they are especially important at such a young age. If you don't have some positives and the ability to make some horrible joke about your bad health, what do you have left? Not your good health, that's for sure! Second, I think that I can remain so positive because I don't know anything different. I have been dealing with this since I was thirteen and it has just become so damn normal. I don't know anything different then scans, crutches, doctor's, surgeries, all the things I listed above and more. On top of that, I have missed out on a lot because of my health. Even now, I should be in my pre-grad placement for school, six weeks away from graduating with my friends. But instead I am at the hospital for a pre-op appointment, preparing to have surgery to deal with the rotten luck that is my leg and the splinter of bone sticking out into the back of my leg. But I stay positive - it's just what you have to do to get by. And third - I have my bad days too. But as much as I do have them, I don't choose to share them with everyone. These are highly personal feelings. My mum sees what I go through, my doctors know that I am worn out and tired, the few friends that stuck around when I got ill support me what I have bad medical news. But the average person on the street, at the mall, or in the pre-op waiting room doesn't, and they shouldn't have to. Everyone looks at me with either pity, sympathy, or a friendly encouraging smile. You return kindness with kindness, so the people who smile get a smile back. The best way to overcome pity is to show that your circumstance does not reign supreme and have complete control over you, so I smile back at those people too. And to the people who have sympathy I smile all the more, because I neither need nor want their sympathy. Yes, the cards I am dealt kind of (okay, really) suck, and it hurts deep down that all I remember is being sick and surgeries, but there is more to my life and it is not all bad. I wish that people would know that. So I smile to those people too.
4) After talking for a bit, the nurse who took my blood said that I am more like a 43 year old then a 23 year old. She said this in regard to everything I have been through medically. Not only am I going through things that young people don't go through, going through those things shapes my perspective and outlook on life to that of someone who is generally much older. That is, older people have had more time to go through stuff, so they usually have experienced more than the average 23 year old, but for me it is different. I experience things that I shouldn't - thoughts about health, your own mortality, worst case scenarios, making difficult medical decisions, what ifs etc. - things my peers don't go through. So that makes me different than them. Not only am I missing out on what they get to do, I am being changed as a person by this situation. And I wonder if it will even be possible to experience the things my friends/peers do once I am better because I have gone through so much and it has changed who I am and how I look at the world. Somehow, going clubbing or worrying about a dating app or shopping trip to the mall seems so much less important when you have had to fight for even the little things, like being able to walk. I don't know. I think I will do a lot more thinking on this topic over the coming months. But I do know that I am different from my peers now - it is not all bad, but it is very sad to some extent too.
These are heavy subjects to think (and talk) about. They all crossed my mind at some point during my pre-op appointment. I tried to be a bit younger and carefree afterwards. I went to the gift shop and bought two pairs of earrings. My rationale? I deserve something pretty after the bad news of last week and going through pre-op yet again. I need to de-stress and act my age. Buying earrings does that for me XD I couldn't get the greatest pictures of them though. M favorite is the pair with the little birds!
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