I think...

The universe is having a good laugh at me right now. The one thing I love the most in the world is a big cup of tea. I enjoy trying new brands and variations, but my absolute favorite is a flavor called Forest Berry made by Pickwick.  For quite some time, the little tags on the ends of the string on each tea bag have come with a different question printed on each of them. The goal is to give people things to talk about. Today's question was "Wat heb je altijd nog een keer tegen je ex willen zeggen?" And what does this translate to? In English, it reads "What have you always wanted to say to your ex again?" I was not expecting that this morning. Usually the questions are pretty light hearted like "What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?", "What important historical person would you most like to meet?" or "If you could travel in time, what age/time period would you most like to visit?" I was not expecting this particular question. What a way to start my morning.

In case you're wondering, the tea was delicious.

 And in other news, more books arrived! I word night shift tonight and tomorrow, but after that I have eight or nine days off. I'm looking forward to getting started on one of my new books. I actually challenged myself to read a book a month this year. I was a bit slow to start, but I am now ahead. I finished reading my eleventh book last night before bead and, when all the patient care is done for the night and I have to ride out the hours until the shift ends, I'm going to start the twelfth one - The Lord of the Rings and Philosophy.

Yesterday I also finally finished the grey parts of the fourth butterfly for the quilt I am working on. Working with all those shades of gray was starting to get a bit monotonous. I'm looking forward to adding some colour later this week.

Speaking of later this week, I see my surgeon bright and early on Friday morning. After this appointment, I don't have anything leg-related going on until the ultrasound booked right after I return from my vacation. As long as I can get through my remaining shifts at work before I leave, I think my leg shouldn't cause too many problems (read pain). Including tonight's shift and the one tomorrow, I only have six shifts left, so I think it's quite manageable. Finger's crossed for a quite night! The three days shifts from Friday-Sunday were quite hectic.

Surprise!

Lots of unexpected thing have been going on recently. Mostly good, some not so great, but all unexpected!

1. Early last week I got a letter from the hospital where my orthopedic surgeon works. He has ordered an ultrasound of my right leg to make sure there isn't something undesirable going on with the muscles in that leg. I have been experiencing a lot of pain over the past few months. This pain is different from the pain I normally have. We suspect it caused by my fibula bowing as it take some of my weight (the fibula is a non-weight bearing bone, but my tibia is currently broken and it is shorter than my fibula, so at least some of my weight goes into my fibula instead of the IM nail/giant metal rod holding my tibia together. As a result, my fibula is bending and we think that is what is causing all of my pain. A better explanation can be found in the link here). My surgeon briefly mentioned doing an ultrasound at my appointment on August 25ths, but we didn't spend much time talking about it so I didn't expect it would actually happen. But it is! It has been scheduled for November 1st. This is two days after I return from my trip to Holland. It's good to get it done, but the timing kind of sucks. I see my surgeon next week Friday to sign consent forms for surgery. That is about two weeks before I go on holiday. So one of the last big things I have to do before my trip is see my surgeon, and pretty much the first thing to do after the trip is the ultrasound. Life kind of has an odd way of reminding me of the fact that my tibia is still broken. It's more like shoving it in my face, but there is nothing I can do about it, so I will just get on with it and make the most of a not so great situation. I am glad that my surgeon is being so thorough about everything. After everything my leg has been through (and as a result, everything that I have been through), we rather err on the side of caution and find out if something is wrong now than let it grow into a much bigger problem.

2. This past Tuesday I was supposed to have my final day of training at work. This means being paired with another (obviously more experienced) nurse who shows me how things work on the unit and helps me get adjusted to things. I wasn't expecting to have this training shift. My final day of training was actually supposed to be last week, but the charge nurse offered me one more. I'm not one to turn down a shift, especially with a big trip coming up soon. Nobody is going to say no to more money (or more training)! I gladly accepted it. But, surprise! We were short staffed on Tuesday. The charge nurse called pretty much everybody who was available to see if someone would come in for the day, but nobody would. What was the solution? Throw the newbie off the deep end and see if she sinks or swims! Okay, to be fair, I was assigned the easiest part of the unit. The charge nurse did that on purpose because she recognized that I was supposed to have a training shift and the news that I would be on my own was completely unexpected. But an easy day turned into a rather hectic one with two discharges and two new admissions! Fortunately I handled it all. But I did kind of feel like I was forced to jump of the proverbial cliff. I was also thrilled for seven pm to come around and to go home. I've heard a lot of new nurses describe their first few months as followed: they were terrified walking into work before each shift started and relieved when it ended and nobody had died; the first months often had them wondering if they had made a mistake in their career choices. Another description I can relate too was a nurse who said she felt proud in her uniform, but the moment she got on the unit she felt like an imposter and that everyone would eventually find out she was a fraud, not a nurse at all. Fortunately, I held everything together. I'm going to stick with the advice several nurses have given me: If nobody dies, there's no need to panic! Looking back, it might not have been a bad thing to be thrown into my first solo shift alone. That was supposed to happen this Friday and I had been dreading it all weekend. At least now it is out of the way. You only have one first day as a nurse and then you only ever have one first day of being a nurse on her own, and I have now done both!

3. The magazine I ordered from South Korea has finally arrived! I am really thrilled about this, because I had ordered it as the start of July and wasn't expecting it to come anymore. It is part one of a three part series in a cross stitching magazine for the butterfly quilt I am working on. I was feeling pretty bummed out that I wouldn't have the completed series, but now I do.

I've almost completed the four bottom most squares.

4. The books I ordered from Book Outlet on Sunday arrived yesterday evening and are ready for pick up. I wasn't expecting this for some time yet. One of the books I ordered is full of lovely, fairy-tale inspired cross-stitch patterns, and even some fabric and thread to make one of them. If I'm not careful, the number of works-in-progress that I have will grow out of control! The pile of want-to-stitch-but-haven't-gotten-to-yet certainly is pilling high these days. The book is called Storyland Cross Stitch. You can buy the book here and read a review of the book can be found here. I look forward to picking it up tomorrow!

5. While at the bookstore this evening, mum got me some lovely sewing magazines. These are great because not only do they show you pictures of projects or provide information about where you can buy the material or kits to make them, but they also give actual instructions and the patterns necessary to make things!

My mum got me the magazines to help my deal with breaking up with my (now former) boyfriend. This happened about seven weeks ago. I've been struggling a lot with the break up. I didn't want to break up. The man I was dating was amazing in so many ways. I've never felt more comfortable and understood by anyone than I have with him. But there were some issues I was struggling with.

For starters, the cultural differences were overwhelming. I mean, I'm a Dutch girl living in Canada; he was born and raised in India and now lives in the US. Culturally, things were difficult. Not insurmountable, but definitely a challenge.

On top of that was the long distance nature of the relationship. It was fine at first, but as time went on... I don't know. I'm the type of person that just needs a good hug and some physical contact (holding hands, cuddling). We were only seeing each other every 1-2 months. This wasn't really anyones fault - he was busy with work and I was finishing up school, but that doesn't change the fact that we weren't seeing each other as often as I would have liked. Every time we spent time together was amazing - everything felt so happy and just right. But then one of us would have to go home, and I was left with this empty, longing, loneliness. Missing him was too difficult; it was exhausting. It felt like an emotional roller coaster - I would have the anticipation of seeing him build up, than peak when I saw him, and then it would crash when he went home, only to slowly build up again in the weeks prior to seeing each other again. The distance and lack of physical contact was getting hard. I wanted nothing more than to move closer to him and work on building a life together. All of my goals focused around that - save up for a car, look for jobs close to the US/Canada boarder, apply to those jobs and move there. I wanted to be closer to him so badly.

This last bit is mixed in with and leads to the third issue - planning for the future. I was planning to be closer to him. I was hoping to get married in a few years, to have that little house with the white picket fence that you hear so often about, to have children. There were things we wanted together - a living room with bookcases lining every wall, a koi pond, to travel together. He wants to go to school. That effectively puts the relationship on hold or something for the next three years. Not only do we stay long-distance for that entire time (which also means my need for physical contact doesn't get fulfilled) but my own ideas for the future are put on hold. The relationship was my priority, but I didn't feel like it was a priority to him - that's what school was, and still is. I felt like my needs were being put on the side. I understand why he wants to go to school, and I respect it, but what about what I want and what I need in terms of the relationship? Right at the moment that I start to want more and feel like I want things to become more serious and state that I am finding the long-distance nature of things increasingly difficult, he wants to go back to school and that means I get to see even less of him than I already was. Maybe I should have seen this coming. I mean, I new he wanted to go back to school when I first met him. Maybe I was to inexperienced to see that it couldn't work. I just really hoped we could figure out a solution. I mean, even when I was thinking about going back to school to bridge from RPN to RN, my priority was still the relationship - I would move closer to him and both work and go to school part time so that I would have plenty of time for him/the relationship. But he will be in school full-time if he gets accepted into his first program of choice and he might have to move even farther away.

I have no doubt that he cared about me and wanted to be with me. I do, however, feel like I was ready for more in the relationship and he wasn't. I also feel like three years is a long time to ask somebody to wait, especially when you've already been with someone for over a year and that person is telling you that they are ready for more. Maybe it was just bad timing; maybe if we had met two or three years from now things could have worked out. I don't know. I just wish he could have been honest with me, and to himself. Relationships are supposed to get more serious as people develop more feelings for each other. I didn't think that seriousness was going to develop while he was at school for three more years, and I couldn't handle seeing even less of him and putting my needs and wants for the future on hold while he did what he wanted to do. To some extent, relationships are about compromise, or finding a path that makes everybody happy. What he wanted didn't include compromise - he would both go school and a have girlfriend to spend time with on time off; I would be left waiting. I feel like I would have been a treat throughout his hectic school schedule; meanwhile I would be desperately waiting for those few precious days with him.

So the relationship ended, and I've never felt so horrible and conflicted in my life. I've also never cried so much. I worry every day that it was the wrong choice and that I will never find someone like him again. But I also know that I want somebody whose priorities will be the relationship and building a life together, just like those things are my priority when I am in a relationship.

Anyways, my mum bought me the magazines to help cheer me up and distract me. There are some lovely toy penguin patterns in them that I am really excited to try out! On top of that, the one magazine gives advice on starting your own business. I'm going to be working part time for a while, with my leg being broken and surgery in the new year, so I will have lots of free time on my hands. And my mum and I have mentioned possibly starting a small business selling handmade items before. This is the perfect time to give it a shot! I am thinking that I might start with some cross stitch buttons and go from there.

 6. Another surprise (well, maybe not a surprise, but still unexpected) is the collection of cross stitch kits I've got going. I didn't realize how many of them I had scattered around my room. Here are my favorite ones. I am going to take some with my on my trip next month. I'm sure I'll find a bit of spare time to stitch at the bed and breakfast after a long day of walking.

 7. And finally, this little gem. I wasn't expecting it to be so great - possibly just the typical collection of advice for living a good life. But I was pleasantly mistaken! Yes, the advice is your typical compilation of advice, but the Tolkien/Lord of the Rings theme is fantastic. I'm pretty much a hobbit at heart and this book channels that inner hobbit! XD It's light hearted but serious at the same time. And it makes me smile! AND it includes a plan for a hobbit garden!

That's all there is to share at present. I'm sad about the breakup, and feeling very lost and conflicted. And my leg hurts pretty much all the time. But I'm trying to make the best of things. I'll be alright on my own. And my leg... well, will see what happens with that. In the meantime, I will focus on work and all the lovely crafts I have to work on. I don't know if things will be okay, but I will be happy. For now I will focus on the certainties - I have lots of books and tea, a growing pile of crafts to make, and a big trip coming up very soon! And fall is coming. I'm looking forward to crunching in the leaves! That has to count for something. =)

Invisible Illness Awareness Week - 2017

Last week would have been Invisible Illness Awareness Week. Unfortunately, it was cancelled this year - the organizer has been dealing with some health issues and was therefore unable to put the event together. 

I blogged quite a bit about the event in 2015 while I was waiting for the long anticipated external fixator surgery. During that time, I had endless amounts of time to sit and type. Last year was a different story - I had just moved back out on my own, was getting back in the swing of school, and was slogging through clinical shifts with my trusty cane. At that point, we (my surgeon, family, boy-friend at the time, and I) were all hopeful that my leg would heal on it's own. But now we're another year further. My leg is still as broken as ever. Surgery is unavoidable. And my leg hurts pretty much all the time. I may not have a chronic bone infection anymore, but I'm not better per se either. I'm not quite sure where that leave me...

Anyways. In honor of the unfortunately but understandably cancelled Invisible Illness Awareness Week and my yet-to-heal broken leg (also quite unfortunate), I've gone a head and completed the 30 Things About My Invisible Illness (er.. medical problem in my case?) meme.  

As usual, I find it fascinating to see how my answers to the questions change over time. The links to my previous answers are here, here (near the bottom of the post), and here (left link is 2011, middle is April 2015, and right is September 2015). 

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness/chronic condition I life with: Non-union of my right tibia after treatment for chronic osteomyelitis (aka bone infection which I had since February 2006, diagnosed summer 2011, relapse diagnosed early 2015).  

2. I was diagnosed with in in the year: I was diagnosed with the non-union in May 2017. My original illness was chronic osteomyelitis, or a chronic bone infection, which I had since February 2006 when I had a compound fracture of my right leg. The infection was misdiagnosed until summer 2011. Treatment finished in October 2012, but the infection showed signs of being back sometime in summer/fall 2014. The relapse was diagnosed in early 2015. After aggressive surgery in August 2015, I am infection free, but at this point my tibia hasn't healed.

3. But I had symptoms since: Initial injury was in February 2006. Non-union since May 2017.

4.The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: Letting go of the expectation that each new surgery or tratment will fix my leg - I've always hung onto the hope that my leg would get better, but it's been over eleven years since it first broke it still hasn't healed.

5. Most people assume: That it's not possible to walk on a broken leg and that there is no way that I am able to work as a nurse.

6. The hardest part about mornings is: The first few steps once I get out of bed. All the muscles in my right leg are stiff; those first few steps are incredibly painful. 

7. My favorite medical TV show is: E.R. (It's nowhere like real life, but much more realistic than Grey's Anatomy).

8. A gadget I couldn't live without is: My laptop - it allows me to listen to music, watch movies, and play LOTRO. I can use it without having to stand or walk around.

9. The hardest part about nights are: Bone pain. I get a lot of bone pain at night, and it's always worse after a couple of consecutive days of twelve hour shifts.

10. Each day I take vitamin C and a multi-vitamin. If needed, I take medication for pain.

11. Regarding alternative treatments, I: Meditate and use relaxation techniques. Once my leg is better, I want to do yoga.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or a visibile one, I would choose: A visible illness.  The bone infection was invisible - people couldn't see what was wrong with me so they always questioned why I didn't feel well or was so tired. Now that people see how poorly I walk, especially when I am tired or in pain, they don't question me when I say that I am tired or in pain - they just nod and ask if I need to sit down. 

13. Regarding working and career: I am a registered practical nurses working on an oncology/palliative care unit. I am employed as a casual nurse - this gives me a lot of freedom because I can pick up however few or many shifts I want to. If my leg hurts, I don't have to work a lot' if my leg feels great (or, more realistically, just okay), I accept more shifts. Once I am done with the probation period at work, I will take medical leave to have surgery. 

14. People would be surprised to know: That the issues that I currently have with my leg are related to the initial break when I was thirteen. Also, apparently the thing bone in your lower leg (fibula) doesn't actually bear any of your weight. When it does bear weight, it tends to bend, and that hurts!

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Not being able to do everything I want to because my leg just hurts way too much. If my leg was fine, I would be applying for the RPN to RN bridge program right now. I would also be looking for a full-time job. Instead, I am waiting to have more surgery.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness/medical problem that I did was: Complete both my undergraduate degree and nursing diploma and then start working as a nurse in a hospital.

17. The commercials about my illness/medical problem: There are none.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed: Going on long walks (heck, even going on short walks) without pain.

19.It was really hard to have to give up: Feeling invincible and that I could do anything and everything I wanted to in life. When you become ill, you have to come to terms with your body, its physical limitations, and the fact that you are human (and, to some extent, your own mortality). 

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Cross stitching, making handmade decorations for my room, and puzzles e.g., crosswords, sudoku. 

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would: Go for a long walk as the sun is rising in a quiet neighborhood or go on a weekend long hiking adventure in a forest.  

22. My illness/medical problem has taught me: To enjoy the simple pleasures - birds singing outside my window, watching flowers bloom, sharing a quiet moment with a friend or loved one. The biggest and most extravagant things in life are not always the best or most inspiring. Working hard and achieving my goals are still important to me, but if the world fell apart tomorrow, these basic things would still be here, bringing joy to my life and helping me through the rough patches. 

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "Why are you limping?" and "Have you always walked like that? I've never noticed before..." Trust me, I know how badly I walk. I can't help it. If I could, I most certainly would. What I don't need is for everybody I know to point it out to me. I assure you, I am already more aware and self-conscious about this than I want or need to be. 

24. But I love it when people: Offer me a seat on the bus! 

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorry. It empties today of its strength." - Corries Ten Boom. Even after all this time, I still struggle with this - it's a work in progress.

26.When someone is diagnosed, I'd like to tell them: Bone infections, external fixators, countless surgeries, and non-unions really suck. Ignore all the people who brush it off as "just a broken leg" because, at this point, you're way beyond just broken leg territory. You're going to be doing a lot of sitting on the sofa so this is a great time to pick up a new hobby!

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness/medical problem is: Life still goes on. It's amazing how quickly life with medical problems becomes your new normal  and how hard it becomes to remember life before those problems came along.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: Send me a card through the mail; spend time talking to me via webcam; bring me a magazine and a big cup of tea.

29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Awareness Week because: I've been living with my medical problems since my early teens and, despite being aware of the ongoing calamity with my leg, my medical problems feel more invisible than ever to a lot of people I know. I've been dealing with it for so long, it's just become normal to the people around me. But it's anything but normal and I wish people realized that. 

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Sad and defeated - if you're still reading these memes on my blog, it means that I'm still dealing with the same problem that I was when I started this blog in 2011 (and since the actual problems started in 2006).  I've gone from an awkward pre-teen to a university degree and college diploma wielding nurse who has lived on her own, knows how to drive a care and is going on an oversees adventure in a little over a month. But my leg is still broken. That downright sucks.

A well stocked...

Night of sleep? Set of days off? Binder full of freshly printed sheets for interdisciplinary notes, because where I work we are still in the stone age of paper charting? Med cart? Accudose?

There's lots of things I would like relating to work. Most of all - to be able to move from days shifts to night shifts and still feel well rested. When I was a student, it was really easy for me to transition between days and nights. I could easily do a set of days shifts, stay up really late and then sleep all days to switch over to nights. But now that I'm an actual nurse, I am struggling. Despite staying up until the crack of dawn on Wednesday morning, my body only let me sleep until noon. I was up all afternoon, unable to nap, and then went in for a night shift. Four o'clock in the morning hit like a giant wall of overwhelming sleepiness but I somehow fought it off and finished my shift. I got home, so exhausted that I was entirely certain that I would be able to get a solid eight plus hours of deep sleep, and then.... I tossed and turned the entire time, waking up every few hours, and now that I am up I feel generally icky and tired. I'm not sure how tonight's shift will go. I've also been getting horrible headaches at work - sometimes to the point that I feel nauseous. I'm not sure if it's stress related or maybe something in the hospital I am allergic too (I had them when I completed my final clinical placement as well). Either way it sucks.

On top of that, my leg hurts. Not just hurts. It hurts a hell of a lot. I'm limping down the hallways and find my self wondering how I will ever get through my probation period. I wonder if it wouldn't just be better to loose the job and have surgery on my leg sooner. I wonder if all this walking will just makes my leg worse. I hope that is not the case...

Anyways, more pictures. Taken sometime early this morning (sixth shift). Comfy sweaters make night shifts better. Maybe I'll try to make some tea at work tonight. I'll also bring a book to fill those early morning hours. As along as that one creepy patient doesn't smirk at me again when I have to change his brief, tonight should be okay (I swear he enjoys it...).

.

Ooh, and favorite part of night shift - stocking the med cart. I love a well stocked med cart!

Super Nurse? Not So Much

I didn't think I could be this tired after work. Being an actual nurse is not like being a student doing his or her final clinical placement, following the full-time schedule of an RN or RPN. This is not what I thought it would be.

When I was a student, I couldn't wait to be a nurse with her own patient load to take care of. I thought about hanging IV meds, having adequate time for all of my patients, and getting all of my charting done in good time. I thought I would be a super nurse! In reality, I'm stressed out, run off my feet, and barely have any time to spend with my patients beyond providing the absolutely necessary care - giving medication, providing wound care, making sure hygiene needs are met, and any other specific tests a physician may order. The end of each shift is a mad dash to get everything done before I have to give report to the oncoming nurse.

I look at the nursing students who have just started on our unit and remember how I felt when I was a student last spring - how excited I was to finally be done my course work and on a unit more than once a week. I see the students and how excited they are to access the med cart or hang IV fluids. I don't mean to disregard their experiences (which were my own last spring), but now I feel the full weight of the responsibilities of a nurse. I don't have a preceptor who does all the thinking and tells me what to do; I don't have someone who picks up the slack when I am struggling. I have to juggle everything that's going on; it's a lot of responsibility. It's my license on the line and I desperately want to do what is right and best for my patients. It's rewarding, but also incredibly exhausting at the same time.

On top of it all, the unit I am on is incredibly demanding. It is a mix of oncology, palliative care, and medicine patients - these patients have complex medical problems and lots of medical needs. One patient today had six different IV solutions to be started at different times during the day shift, a PICC line dressing change, and a colostomy bag on top of her oral medication and injections. Another patient in palliative care is on supplemental oxygen and gets short of breath as soon as he takes it off, had seven injections, three rounds of a specific IV medication, and a bunch of other medication. Just remembering when to give what, when to start/stop each infusion, and to deal with beeping IV pumps between those two patients was a juggling act. Add to that the three other patients I had, along with the discharge and new admission... It's hectic.

And on top of all that - I'm walking on a broken leg held together with a giant metal rod and a fibula that is bending under my weight. Nursing is hectic and my leg adds a whole other level of exhaustion to it. I find myself limping down the hallway, IV bag or syringe in hand, a patient expecting wound care or pain medication, thinking "How can I do this? What have I gotten myself into?" 

Being a new nurse if overwhelming. By the end of the day, I am barely processing what people are telling me anymore. I'm happy to go home, to shower, and to curl up in my warm little bed again for the night. Everyone on the unit keeps telling me that it will get better with time. It will. It's just that it will take time and that is frustrating - I want to be super nurse now. It's really surreal looking at the students completing their final clinical placements. They want nothing more than to be nurses, and I want nothing more to be a student again. I just have to give it time.

Here are some pictures of my at the end of my shifts. On days that I have to work, I get up at 5:15 in the morning. The pictures are taken around seven pm, about fourteen hours after I get up, when my shift ends By that time I feel like I've run a marathon. I also barely feel human anymore. My only goal is to get the last medications administered, the last IV bag hung, and my charting done so that I can go home.

Me after my third shift.

And my fourth (today).

I'm so exhausted. One more day shift to go. After that I have a few days off followed by two night shifts And then I have about a week off. Thank goodness! I think I'm going to hibernate! Now I'm off to bed.

Oh! I should note that part of why I am so tired is not only just because I am new at being a nurse with a full patient load. I also worked Tuesday, Wednesday, had only Thursday off, worked Friday, Saturday, and will work again tomorrow. I'm working 60 hours in six days. The parson training me (now stepping back and letting me do all the work) only works 48 in the same time frame. She's not exhausted yet. That extra day off that she had really helps.

A zombie for tea!

I made it through another shift! Yay! And tomorrow I have one very well deserved day off. I can't really go into details, unfortunately, but there was some really odd stuff that happened today. It will be good to have the day off to process through it. There's lots of thoughts, feelings, and impressions that come with being a new nurse and it is important to work through them (especially when starting on a palliative care/oncology unit). I'm hoping to get lots of good sleep tomorrow, because the twelve hour shifts are exhausting. And the hardest part isn't even working for twelve hours, or doing all the stuff nurses are expected to do. No. The hardest part is going an entire day without a cup of tea! I try to have one every morning before work, but then I have to pee way before it's time for my morning break, so that morning cup doesn't always happen. And I can't wake up any earlier than I already do to avoid the drink tea then have to pee problem. 5:15 shouldn't even be an option on the alarm clock. It should not even exist as a time! and I can't wake up earlier than that XD. I need to figure something out, like a thermos, because I need tea to function. Not caffeinated tea either. Just a simple fruit flavored tea, with the tea bag dunked in for ten seconds to get the flavor in. I mean, my motto in life is pretty much Tea is love! Tea is life!

Near the end of the shift, tired and icky looking. I don't know why my cheeks look so sweaty. The black thing hanging from my shirt is the safety badge tracking thingy nurses at the hospital I work at wear. It turns off call bells when we enter a patient's room, activates a light outside the room that allows other nurses or staff members to see where we are, and has a tracking system built into it. If we are in danger, we push the large white button on the back and it alerts security where we are and that something is wrong. In response, they come and find us right away and de-escalate the situation. It's a good idea; the badges just hang off of our uniforms in a funny way.

There can only be one!

I survived my first day on the unit! Not as a student, but as an actual nurse! I am beyond knackered and have no clue how I am going to get through tomorrow's shift, but you know what they say: you can only ever have one first day. I take a lot of comfort in that. I will never again have a first day of being a nurse. I might have first days on different units or in different hospitals, but today was the only one where I am completely out of my depth. XD Not that today went horribly, because it didn't, but it was extremely busy. Almost chaotic. Near the end of the shift, the nurse who is training me on the unit asked me asked if I would have been able to survive the day on my own. I'm not sure I could have, but to be be fair, I'm not sure if she could have managed everything that happened alone today either.

Here's hoping that tomorrow goes well and that I won't fall asleep standing on my feet at the medcart!

So tired! So frazzled! Also, note to self - do not forget compression stocking tomorrow! That was a big mistake today.

Do tired. Must not eat biscuits left for patient's in the kitchen... XD I didn't get my lunch until 5:30pm =(

PS. It was so hectic today that I didn't even notice the massive downpour we had. Apparently there was a massive rainstorm and I completely missed it. Didn't even know it had rained until someone mentioned it near the end of shift.

Look! I made a thing!

I've always loved crafts, especially cross stitching and sewing. Fortunately for me, everything that involves  a needle and thread takes countless hours to complete (unless I time myself, of course, and sometimes I do). If possible, I could easily spend an entire weekend happily sewing away while the world goes on outside of my room. Unfortunately for me, these types of activities also take an extraordinary amount of time to complete, and having a job does not lend itself well to the creation of endless free time. It does, however, provide the money to buy more craft supplies, but that's another story.

Now that I've started working, I'm determined to use my free time productively. Is productive the right word to use when you use your spare time making toy elephants? I'm not sure. But that's exactly what I spent the last three days doing! I set out to make a stuffed elephant and that is exactly what I did!

Here it is! I got the pattern from a kit that, of all places, I found at the dollar store. For 2.50$ I was willing to give it a try! If you're interested, you can buy the kit at various sites online. It includes six or seven different patterns to make gifts for newborns (note: I didn't buy it for newborns; I bought it specifically for the elephant pattern). A quick Google search for Oh Sew Cute Baby Crafts should bring them up. 

I'm not sure if I have mentioned this on my blog before or not, but I collect elephants. Although I will collect almost anything elephant themed, I am especially interested in plush elephants. I have over a dozen off them scattered around my bedroom. The one I made this weekend wasn't my first attempt at making one myself either. I never posted about it, but I tried my hand at sewing a much larger elephant last fall. Here is a picture of the new elephant and the one from last year. At some point I started a second big elephant (on the left) with different fabric, but it's been lying untouched for months... Oh dear. If I don't get working on them all, I'll have too many works-in-progress going before I know it.

I am really pleased with the result and already have plans to make another one! Now that I have tried the patterns once, I am going to try to adjust some things a bit to see if i can get an even better result (or at least more ease of sewing). I bought some cotton fabric in lovely patterns on Friday and can't wait to use them! I did have enough self control to not use the elephant print fabric to make my elephant project XD

On the topic of sewing, my mum and I hemmed all of my scrub pants this weekend. I might love sewing, but I despise hemming pants. If there is a hell, I am 99% percent certain that is involves hemming pants in some way.

And on the topic of pretty patterns, I bought new night gowns last week. I'm not talking about the night gowns your granny would were either! These are much cuter, and definitely more flattering. I would call them nighties, but to me that word implies some sort of sexiness, and I'm not quite convinced that pajamas that have owls and the words "tweet dreams" on them can be considered sexy. But they definitely are cute!

On a final note, I discovered an excellent way to keep my tracing (aka baking) paper flat when I transfer a pattern from the instruction to my actual fabric. I've been using the Wade figurines I bought this month to keep the paper flat while I trace the sections of the patterns onto the paper. Works like a charm!

That's it - one very non-leg related post. As I have said what feels like the last gazillion posts, my leg is still broken and it's going to continue to hurt for a long time. There's nothing I can do about it. Worrying certainly won't fix it, and I'm going to be spending enough time worrying about it as I try to get through my twelve hour shifts. So I spent this weekend thinking about everything but my leg and doing lots of fun things, like buying fabric and sewing instead. I'm starting to get the hang of what my mum always says: Be kind to yourself!