Lovely lovely blood!

Good blood return from my PICC line this morning! The plumbing works!!! Great way to start the day.

I am in good spirits today, although I feel pretty knackered.
There are good days and bad days. Not sure what this one will be yet energy wise (hopefully improves after breakfast and a steaming hot shower), but I am adamant that the day will go well.

Write my clinical IV math test today. The fact that I am allowed to write it is a sign that I will most likely be allowed to pass my clinical course despite missing the last five weeks. And tomorrow afternoon I see my surgeon to ask some (ok, a lot...) of questions about the upcoming surgery.

The semester is winding down nicely - only 3 weeks left, including final exams. The last batch of assignments/tests went well. 98% on Health Sciences test, 97% on Psychology paper, and 90% on Health and Healing quiz. Just waiting for the mark for the psych test I wrote Monday morning. At this point I can't fail any of my courses anymore, which is a huge relief, just in case I really don't feel well during exam week. Just need to keep practicing for OSCES. Being sick and and school is stressful, but honestly, school has been a great big beautiful distractions. Not sure what I would do between now and surgery without all the homework and assignments.

I don't mean to brag when I include my marks on here. I am usually pretty private about them, and don't really even tell my friends at school. But they are honestly the only major good thing going for me in my life right now. Always tired, bone pain, PICC line, waiting for surgery, etc. My friends and classmates have their health and jobs, boyfriends, vacations planned for the break between second and third semester, plans for the future. All I have at the moment to really cling on to is surgery and the hope that this round of treatment/surgeries will finally finally finally oust the bone infection.

Don't get me wrong, there are other good things in my life - a loving and supportive family, taking pleasure in the simple things, a beautiful backyard to hang out in and lay in the sun, a few great friends.

But I don't feel like I am where I want to be in my life. I should be exicted to be almost half way through my nursing education, dating boys, doing my road test to get my G2 drivers license, working, maybe going on holiday, thrileld about life, feeling invincible.

Instead, I am on IV antibiotics waiting for surgery so my surgeon can cut out two inches of my tibia and fill in the gap with bone cement, only to pump me full of even more antibiotics before a bone graft three months later, with no promise that any of it will be successful. I am doubtful and afraid. My doctors were so sure they got it last time around, but they didn't. They seem confident again, but I am not so sure. I don't want to get my hopes up. Hope for the best and expect the worse again.

I have said it before, but how the hell did I get here, waiting for two surgeries and IV meds/PICC line, when six months ago I was being told to just wait and see until October/November, and that surgery wasn't even being considered?

In psychology we are learning about old age and dying. Part of that means looking at perspective on death in different age groups. One is young adult. They feel invulnerable. Not we, they. I am not part of that group anymore. I feel vulnerable. So so vulnerable. I don't want great grand things anymore. I just want to get up in the morning and feel that I have the energy to get through the day.