Over the past eight months, I have gone to a lot of my doctor's appointments alone, from the bone scan and WBC scan in January, almost every trip to the ER, the CCAC clinic, getting my PICC line replaced, to seeing infectious disease and my surgeon. But now I want to hide. I don't want to deal with medical things any longer. I am in this in between phase right now - I can't go back to how things were before... I have no tibia, but I am terrified of going forward. Sometimes I just want to stand still.
Earlier today I told my mum that I would skip the appointment altogether if I lived alone. Nothing (and no one) stopping me from just not going, leaving my doctors wondering where I was. I could stay in this in between place forever.
I am so scared of the fixator, of the pain it will bring. I am worried what will happen if my doctors can't regrow my shin bone; terrified that my body will fail me when I need it to work the most. I feel very very small, insignificant, standing in front of this giant thing... this dragon that I can't avoid. I want to run from it, but running won't help; this dragon sees everything. It is standing between me and the rest of my life.
I can't stay in this place forever. I want to walk, run, jump, ride my bicycle. So I will go to my appointment on Friday. Mothers are amazing people; they are always there when we need them the most. Mine would drag me to this appointment if she had to. So I will go and I will sign the consent forms for the ex fix surgery. And then I will fight my dragon and I will win.
I have to win.
#feelingbravetoday
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