Silence

I have been silent for over a week. There is tones of  stuff I could blog about, both fun and medically related (although those two topics are usually mutually exclusive). I keep telling myself I will get to it tomorrow, but quite frankly that is a lie. I have had not real intention to blog recently; it is nothing but an empty promise.

The big scary ex fix surgery is coming up, four weeks from this Thursday. Yes, I have had plenty of time to mull it over and come to terms with it. No, I have not actually done so. I haven't been posting because I don't want to think about it. I haven't been blogging about fun things either (like going on the Hornblower Cruise, formerly Maid of the Mist, in Niagara Falls) because just looking at my blog makes me think about the medical aspect of my life.

I don't want more surgeries. Yes, that is in the plural, because at this point we all know very well that there will be several and not only one more. I don't want more doctor's appointments. No more antibiotics. No giant metal pins screwed into my bone and sticking through my skin. No distraction osteogenesis or whatever fancy words my doctors throw at me as they explain their plan to fix me. I don't want to use my crutches. I don't want my leg in a cast. I don't want to rely on a wheelchair for any outing longer than a quick hop into Walmart for chocolate and more comfy pajama pants. Don't. Don't. Don't.

Tomorrow will mark eight weeks since surgery number four. I feel like cabin fever is setting in. Despite the best efforts of my family to spend time with me and take me out of the house to do fun things, I am growing a bit bitter. I want me life back. But at the moment everything takes longer to do and ten times more energy than usual. It is late, and I usually get grumpy when I am tired (or tired-er than when I woke up). I will feel better in the morning. I just have to keep thinking about the ultimate goal at the end of all of this. I will get there.

To leave things off on a brighter note, here is a picture of me in a giant red plastic poncho on a boat about to sail right next to Niagara Falls. It was very cold, wet, and windy (and a bit scary!). But totally worth it too.