Red spot and an itch

I had some bone pain this morning/early afternoon. Not severe, but there none the less. It went away went away by the time I got to my father's house (about 4:15) for dinner. I got back to my place in Hamilton just after 8. While I was putting my new book case together my shin started to itch a bit. I ignored it, finished building the bookcase, put away all my clean laundry, groceries, and textbooks, and went for a walk around the hospital/campus. As usual, it was lovely - a stolen moment - walking in the cool, misty air, all alone. My leg felt a bit odd but I chose to ignore it. I got home just before eleven and decided to shower - throughout my leg became more and more itchy. It is a horrible itch. Nothing makes it bearable. At times it feels unbearable. There is also now a small red spot, almost on top of the scar left by a previous abscess on my shin. I will wait to see what happens until the morning. I am not sure if I will call my surgeon or infectious disease specialist about it - not much they can do anyways, since I am already on antibiotics. I took pictures to document it show I can show my doctors the next time I see them.

I want to be beyond the point of caring. I feel I am on the verge, but at the end of the day I can't cross that line - there is no other choice than to keep hoping that this can be fixed.

I have been talking about my options with my mum. She suggested I write out the pros and cons of having surgery/not having surgery to help make up mind or, at least, to see all the factors together instead of independently. I will try to do that after classes end for the day tomorrow afternoon.

All I want for tonight is for the itch to go away. I don't know how to describe it - it is intense, from deep inside. I swear it will drive me mad one of these days.

Time has been passed

Well then... *crickets*

That is pretty much how I feel about todays appointment.
I do not know which words to use to describe what was said and what it means for me.


My surgeon is awesome, but the words coming out of his mouth sucked. They sucked a lot.
I want to scream in anger; cry in frustration; feel relief because now I know that something, once more, is going on, despite the good WBC scan and  blood work... that their is a connection between the abscesses on my shin and the muscle pain in my calf and the x rays from Wednesday, the bone scan from  two weeks ago, and the MRI from December 2014.

I am disheartened that this is still going on almost nine years later. 
I don't know how things will work out now.
I am shocked at how different the opinions of my surgeon and infectious disease specialist are.
Enough is enough. It is not fair.
My new outlook -  stop caring about it at all and just do what the doctors tell me to do, how to do it, and when they want me to do it.

At least, that is what I want my outlook to be, but... at the end of the day, I still care. I care very very much. I worry and I hope and I try to anticipate what will happen next. And I believe that there has to be away for this to go away.