With surgery coming up in a few days, I have been trying to tie up some loose ends. I know that I will be in a lot of pain the first week or so after I get my external fixator, so getting out of the house won't really be an option. Correction. It won't even be on my mind. Even after the initial shock and pain subside, however, I will still be dealing with a good amount of pain and discomfort. Then add the logistics of moving around, getting down the stairs and maneuvering myself into a car with what can only be described as scaffolding holding my leg together. Even if I wanted to, which I am pretty sure I won't, it will be pretty darn hard to go anywhere. So everything I have planned for Christmas/the holiday season has to be done before Wednesday morning. Other than getting some new padding for my crutches, buying one more Christmas gift, and posting some Christmas cards, I've pretty much gotten everything done.
I did, however, have one last errand to run at the dollar store. It's meant to be a surprise, so I left my mum in the car to brave the store on my own. This is quite a challenge since I was looking for a basket full's worth of stuff and there is no way I can hold a shopping basket, or a shopping basket's worth of stuff, while my hands are otherwise occupied with my crutches. Anyways, I manged just fine and all's well that ends well. It is amazing how quickly one can adapt to life on crutches. Not to toot my own horn, but I am pretty darned impressed with how I can mange most tasks as well as able-bodied people.
So shopping on my own is not such huge problem. I am impressed with how nimble I have become with the crutches and now view them more as an extension of myself than a mobility aid. Where I once was stiff and clumsy while using them, I am not quite nimble, twisting and turning and using them to my advantage. I am prepared for surgery next week. I have come to terms with my situation, and am general am coping well. There are sometimes moments of near bursting into tears and the last week has been exceptionally hard with the rising stress and tension of the external fixator looming ahead, but the majority of the time I am doing remarkably well given the circumstances.
There are moments though that are noticeably more difficult than others. While braving the dollar store with my trusty sticks, a woman walked by, eyed me up and down, and asked me what happened to my leg. I switch up my answers depending on the situation and how I am feeling. Earlier in the day, for example, I told a gentleman at a craft show that I was attacked by beavers. We had a good laugh and I was able to avoid trying to explain what actually happened. For some unknown reason, I told the woman in the store what actually happened. I don't know if she just couldn't grasp what I said (a lot of people can't) or purposefully choose to ignore my answer, but she went on to say that she spent three months on crutches a while back. And I am standing there trying to smile and be polite while the cogs in my brain start whirring, "Really? Only three months? I've already been on them for three with at least four more to come, plus all the time over the past decade I spent dealing with the bone infection...." These are the things I thought, but I simply smiled and nodded my head. As the woman turned to walk down the aisle she cheerfully commented "At least you avoided getting a cast!" What!?!?! I had dead bone in my leg, I had infected bone in my leg, now I am dealing with a lack of bone in my leg! How can you not comprehend how serious that is! I am missing bone! I don't often glare at people, but boy did I glare at her. I wanted to convey the hurt and frustration, the fear and uncertainty, ten years worth of broken leg and infection related nonsense. I desperately wanted her to understand what I am going through. Yes, I do not have a cast on my leg right now, but is that worth anything compared to everything else I have been through? She obviously noticed my glare and quickly scuttled off. I don't normally glare at people. I make it a habit not too. But the last year of tiredness and fatigue and pain have worn me down. Add to that the mounting stress of next week's surgery and... well, and I start to glare at people. I don't care that you broke your leg once or that you sprained an ankle or spent a few weeks on crutches. I don't care that you recovered without any complications. I don't care that you are curious about why I am on crutches. And I definitely don't care that you think it is nice that my leg is not in a cast. All I want it so go about my business, get my shopping done, and go home so that I can sit down and drink a nice cup off tea because my fingers have gone numb from being out on my crutches for several hours.
There, rant done. I feel a lot better.
The cashier at the store was absolutely lovely. My mum and I had a lovely day at the Book Outlet and a Christmas craft show, I am going to my father's for dinner tonight, and tomorrow I am going with mum to Dundurn castle and to get a Christmas tree. Fun, good things. I just needed to vent a bit about the stupid comments keep getting.
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