In less than nine hours I will lying in the operating room with a mask over my face, being told to take deep breathes as I am put to sleep. I have been there enough times that it has become commonplace. I know exactly what will happen and what is expected of me. The difference between this surgery and all the previous ones is that instead of leaving with one long incision running the length of my lower leg, I will have multiple incisions. I always took it for granted that I would only have one neat, tidy scar. Unless I was dealing with infection related symptoms, I hardly gave my scar a second glance. Quite frankly, it never bothered me the way that I knew scars bothered some of my friends. I just took it at face value and accepted it. Even if the scar did bother me, there is nothing I could have done about it anyways. But this surgery is different: I will not only be walking away (not literally of course) with the scar running down my shin, but also one across my knee, two smaller ones where the screws that hold the intramedullary rode are put in place, and eventually the scars left by the pin sites of the external fixator. My leg will look a whole lot different than it does now. Until this evening, I had never thought about it. I knew that I would be getting multiple incisions but didn't comprehend that they would result in scars. And while my trusty old scar on my shin has never bothered me before, I don't think I will feel the same way once all my incisions heal up and leave their mark. I'm not so much angry about this as I am sad. A scar like my current one is not that rare. Lots of people break a leg and require surgery. But after this surgery my leg will be a road map, a horrible reminder of something big and horrible, and that makes me sad. Maybe it is weird, but I took some pictures of my leg the way it is right now to remember it...
Today was a good day. No more waiting, passing the time. Tomorrow is the big day. I am packed and ready to go. I went to the magazine store in the afternoon to get some cross stitching goodies that will keep my occupied after surgery, and set up my Playmobil Christmas market in the evening.
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| The kitchen table |
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| Bookshelf in my room |
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And that is it really. Time for bed. 5 am comes to early, but I am ready to go.
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