Living with an external fixtor is challening at the best of times - it's hard to get comfortable; your clothing doesn't fit anymore; you're in pain, you have to haul yourself to frequent doctor's appointments, and you have to worry about potential complications; you are basically limited to things you can do sitting down, unless you have a friend willing to push you around in a wheelchair; and everybody stares at you. Emphasis on that last bit. Everybody stares at you. Everywhere. All the time. Even when they see you staring back at them. Or when they walk into a pole, kind of like when they are distracted by their cell phones.
Over the months I have become progressively more self-consious about my fixator. I have never like attention - I am pretty much as introverted as you can get. I do not want to be the center of attention. The term wallflower sums me up perfectly. So having something like an external fixator poses a pretty big problem for me because it acts as a massive beacon for attention. As first I was only bothered a little bit by it. I was aware of it, but getting out of the house trumped any unwarranted attention. But as time went by, I got more and more uncomfortable. I don't want people to look at me. I don't want people to give me sympathetic nods or offer half-hearted well wishes. I really don't want strangers coming up to me, trying to get some cool story of how I got hurt out of me. My medical histroy is none of their business. Unfortunately, I have experienced all of these things.
I also understand that people are trying to comprehend what they are looking at. External fixators are rare. My surgeon might be the only one in the province to work with them on adults. And he only uses them a handful of times per year. It's not like a cast or crutches. It confuses people and it scares them. After all, the concept of metal pins sticking out of your felsh is something quite frankensteinian. I felt the same way when I found out I would be getting one. So I completely understand the stares.
But then I don't. Because it is me being stared at and I don't want to be stared at. I am not some exotic animal at the zoo. I am a person in a nasty medical situation. I'm stared at enough at the hospital, both by other patients and health care professionals; in the waiting room, fracture clinic, pre-op clinic, emergency department and operating room. My life is filled with pain, discomfort and worry for the future (plus the desire to put on the pants I like). I know what it is liked to be singled out all the time and it feels horrible. Because I have gone through this experience, I also know that I would never stare at someone in the way that others stare at me. So in that regard I don't understnad why people stare at me at all. But then, they haven't been through what I have been through.
My point is, I find it dfficult to go out at the moment because the unwanted attention make me very self-conscious. Given this, it is quite something that I have decided to jump into the dating game. I was suposed to go on a date tonight. Unfortunately, the man I was supposed to meet texted me this evening to say that he was ill. He was very sorry and hoped that we could go out another time, possibly later this weekend if he felt better. I was quite dissapointed, but I also completely understand. Nobody likes to go out when they are sick; I know this well enough from my own experiences. I hope he feels better soon and that we can meet up at some point in the coming days. =)
Why am I telling you all this, you might wonder? Well, for starters, this post is primary aimed at other individuals living with an external fixator. The issues that I have had with my leg have robbed me of a lot of things, including being as active as I wanted to be, energy to do normal things, getting together with friends, continuing my education with my classmates, living on my own, and basiclly having the normal, healthy teenage years and young adulthood that most people have. They have also caused a tremednous amount of loneliness and isolation. The loneliness, by far, have been the hardest part of this entire experience. The thing is, sometimes it becomes all to easy to give into the loneliness and the idea that you are always alone that you actually start turning down opprptunities to go out with other people and fun. It is important to at least try to have some rememblance of a normal life and to interact with the individuals around us. This is not to say that it is okay for people to stare, because it is not. Nor am I saying that it is fault if you feel lonely, because it definitely is not. There are aspects to living with an external fixator that make it a lonely experience - you can't get out easily, you might not feel well enough to go out, it is hard to manage pain when you are out of the house, it can be difficult to get very far with crutches or a wheelchair, and so forth. It is also a lonely experience because so few people have gone through it - nobody really can relate to your situation. As a result, most people move on with their lives while you are stuck at home. People also might avoid you because they don't know how to react or becaus your medical misfortunes remind them of their own mortality. After all, it is often said that people don't know who their real friends are until they have a medical crisis. But what I am saying is that you shouldn't get so accutomed to the loneliness that you start turning down opprotunities to get out of the house and have fun. Sometimes it is worth is despite all the stares.
So I am hopefully going to go out on this date in the next few days. People are going to stare. The amn I am meeting might even stare a bit or ask questions (not that I haven't told him ina dvance what to expect - that would be a pretty big shock for him). But I am going to get out, have some fun, and meet someone new. It is worth getting over my self-consiousness. Doing that will make me feel good.
So, I am going on a date while I have an external fixator and people can stare all they want. =)
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