The Perks

Life with an external fixator kind of sucks. You can't walk. None of your pants fit anymore. Well, at least not the ones that make your butt look good. Showering involves duct taping a garbage bag onto your leg; tape which later has to be take off. This can only be described as ten times more painful than ripping of a band aid. You're always the most popular girl in the room but for all the wrong reasons - everyone stares at you but nobody actually strikes up a conversation or makes eye contact. And then there is all the unsolicited advice: "My cousin twisted his ankle one...", "Have you tried icing your leg?", and  "It's important not to get addicted to the painkillers. Why don't you try Tylenol?"just to name a few.

Life, however, is not all doom an gloom. There are certain things that I can do that nobody else can - they are unique to my situation (and obviously to anyone who has an external fixator). For lack of a better word, I'm going to call them perks. So without further ado, here are five perks of having an external fixator:

1) When I get up in the morning and get pants on, I have achieved something. Yeah, that's right. I achieve something by putting on pants. Why is that an achievement, you might be wondering? Because I have to work through my dilaudid induced haze, get my self up and out of bed, rummage around until I find pants that actually fit, and then get them one without snagging them on on of my fixator's pins or hurting my leg in the process. After that I have to sit down and give myself a minute to pause before I do anything else. What do you have to do in a day to achieve something? I bet it's not as simple as putting on pants. When I do that, I'm done for the day. Easy as that.

2) I have an excuse to by way more skirts and stretchy pants then I could ever need. Last year I had a shopping spree just for comfy clothing to wear while recovering between surgeries. There is no guilt or shame involved in this. Everything is justifiable when you have an external fixator. Why? Because you are in a shitty situation and deserve to be a little bit happier or more comfortable. Could I do this without feeling guilty if I were healthy and already had a closet brimming with clothes? Not so much.

3) I can use the handicap button to open doors without feeling guilty about it. Meanwhile, I can glare at the asshat who thought it would fun to run at said button and kick it with his foot. I don't know where your shoe has been, so I really don't want to press that button after you do that! So I will sit here in my wheelchair and glare at you.

4) I never have to worry about finding matching socks. And if by chance I am wearing socks on both feet and they don't match, it's perfectly excusable barbecue who is going to judge the girl with giant metal pins sticking out of her leg?Nobody. They might even complement me for trying to make the best of a rotten situation.

5) Shock value and impressing people. This depends on the person involved. Most regular people out on the street are shocked when they see my leg. They don't know what they are looking at, have never seen it before and have no clue how to comprehend it or react to the situation. Now, this is awkward for them and to some extent I do feel sorry for them. But then I also don't because they only have to look at it for a few seconds whereas I have to live with it 24/7. It kind of feels good - it puts other people's lives in perspective and occasionally gets me some empathy. But the main point is, how hard do you have try to look weird enough or what crazy stunt do you have to pull to shock that many people? I can do it instantly without even trying XD And then there are health care professional - nurses, doctors, surgeons, residents/students, physiotherapists. They see my leg as something cool and rare. They want to get a close look at and here my medical history because it is interesting. They want to take pictures of my leg. I am never the most popular girl in the room, like ever. I'm a wall flower - the girl who stands nervously in the corner trying to muster up the courage to talk to someone. But I can impress the medically trained people without even opening my mouth. I think that's quite impressive and more than most people can do.

So these are some of the perks: getting pants on is the crowning glory of my day; I can guiltlessly have a shopping spree; I get to use the handicap button; my socks never have to match; and I can shock/impress people without uttering a single word. It doesn't quite make up for having metal pins drilled into your bone,but it helps a little.

On another note, is guiltlessly actually a word?