What if we hadn't...

Last summer I was pretty sick; I had nigth sweats, low grade fevers, exhuastion, bone pain, tiny draining sores on my shin, difficult standing for long periods of time... you get the picture. I was ill, fed up and on the verge of being miserable. Since then, I have been through quite a bit - PICC lines, IV antibiotics, more surgeries than anyone should have in a life time, a good chunk of my tibia cut out, and external fixator. Like I said, a lot of stuff. I like to think that I am doing much better now than I was this time last year. Yes, I can't walk right now and have giant metal pins sticking out of my leg, and I am doped up on concotion of pain killers, antibiotics and stuff to help calm the nerves in my leg downa, but for the most part I am doing pretty well. Bored, lonely and running low on patience, but also happy and realtively healthy. We just have to work in the endurance part once the ex fix comes off. I wager that I am doing pretty good and think that I am much better off having everything that has been done.

Now that the end is somewhat in sight (and by that I mean the fixator should be coming off within a month; the rest will still be a long road to travel), a little voice at the back at my head has started to ask those questions I have been surpressing all these months: "What would have happened if we had done nothing? Where would I be now if we hadn't intervened? What would the infection ultimately have done to me?" On the one hand, I am scared to know the answers because, well, it's scary - I would probably have ended up in a very bad place medically speaking. On the other hand, it would be nice to know so that I could compare the what if to reality.

Sometimes the current situation can get quite discouraging. As I mentioned, the lonliness, boredom, and feeling that things will never get better can be difficult to deal with. Plus, things haven't exactly been smooth sailing over the last two months - the heterotopic ossification, foot going numb, nerve pain, surgery, more premature consolidation followed by another trip to the operating room. It would be really nice to measure this against what would have happened if we had done nothing or, as my infectious disease specialist first suggested, waited until last November for a follow up visit. Being able to make sense of what could have happened might help me grasp how far I have actually come, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like that is very far.

So I have been toying with those questions in my head for a few days now. I think that I will bring them up with my surgeon once the fixator comes off.