Down to my bones

I was exhuasted today. Being chronically something or other is exhuasting. Yes, the bone infection should be gone, but regrowing bone takes up all your energy. Living with an external fixator also takes energy, both physically and mentally. And do't even get me started on how much energy getting around on crutches or hoping on one leg takes. Over the weekend I had quite a bit of energy, Monday a little bit less and by the time I was finished my appointment with infectious disease yesterday morning I was absolutely spent. Everything these days seems to be a giant balancing act: If I do this, will I have energy for other stuff later on? If I skip one thing, perhaps I will have some extra reserves of energy for something else. In addition, there is the thought that never quite escapes you: Even if I rest or take it easy now, there is no guarentee that I will have the energy I need later on. Such is the nature of chronic medical conditions.

I think the point were energy and chronic medical issues collid can be summed down into a few simples rules:
1) When you are chronocially ill, you have less energy to begin with.
2) Everything that you do will tak more energy than if you were healthy.
3) The amount of energy you do have is unpredicatable and can quickly change/without notice.
4) There is no guarentee that the things that would provide a healthy person with energy and/or a feeling of being refreshed, like sleeping, eating well and meditiation/yoga, will provide the same results for the chronically ill individual.

Bascially, you just never know how you will feel. You could get everything right - perfectly balanced diet, optimum amount of sleep, adequate periods of rest, an appropriate amount of exercise, and you could still end up exhuasted. Even thinking about how you are going to use your energy or how the lack there of limits or hinders your ability to do things is exhuasting. Plus, there is the mental aspect of living with a chronic conditions - worry, fear, uncertainy, sadnesss and grief. Those are things that wear a person out.

Today I am tired down to my bones, so there is no post about my leg. Neither is there one about my appointment with infectious disease. But I do have a picture of my gnome army that I will be posting soon. Anyways, not it is time for yogurt, and then bed.