This is my twenty-third consecutive day of posting. I am not sure why I continue - it hasn't turned out to be anything like I had hope it would be. Way back in April I was eager to dig deep into my pile of sticky notes baring ideas I wanted to blog about. The first few days went great, but then it kind of all went down hill, in my book, after the first week. I feel like all I do now is complain about the damn bone infection. It gets boring to write about after a while, and I bet boring for you to read as well but that doesn;t stop it from still being the number one thing I blog about. Why? Because it feels like it is an ever invreasing black hole sucking the life out of my world.
Ok, that is an exageration. life is good, for the most part. The nursing program is going great - kearned how to administer oxygen to patients today in lab class, clinical in an actualy hospital begins on Thursday, over the giant learning curve that hung over semester one like a big ominous cloud of unknown terminology and fear (yes, the first weeks at the long term care facility were full of fear of someohow, inexplicably, causing mass harm by helping elderly people get their socks and slippers on!).
But the bone infection is still there, always at the back of my mind despite how hard I try to ignore it... The red spot on my shin is still there, still oozing a bit of clear fluid, might have been some puss at one point today. It has been hurting more than usual - deep dull achy pain on the sides ad back, stinging sharp pain over the scar, so fast you wonder if you imagines it. I have been freezing cold all day, full of chills. My temperature is usually about 36.5. That is what it was this afternoon but it reached a whooping 37.3 about 10:30 pm. I have been taking my temperature for months. It pretty much never gets that high. And the chills are worse than usual this evening. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if I care anymore. I think I do, but I don't know if I want to care anymore... If I still feel off tomorrow and my leg continues to hurt I will call my infectious disease specialist.
I try to ignore it. I will myself to ignore it - sitting in class, loving every minute of learning about asthma and bronchodilaters... and then the leg hurts; studying the immune system and allergic reactions late at night... and then I am freezing cold, and my leg hurts!; wanting to go for a walk in the afternoon sun, but remembering that I can't because the antibiotics cause photosensitivity; enjoying a walk in the cool evening under stormy dark clouds blocking the setting sun... finally out in the fresh aired wide open world, and then, guess what! Leg hurts. These needs to end. I am done. it isn't even about the physical symptoms anymore... it is completely about the psychological and emotional toll this has on me. Nine years now. Sometimes I worry that I make too much out of it, that other people think I am over exaggerating. But then I think of all the things I have been through and I don't feel bad anymore. With hindsight everything together looks tiny and miniscule. Time fades how badly things felt. But in reality a lot of things just really really sucked, and the relapse is just one more thing to add to a giant list of sucky things. I need this to be gone before I continue with my life - it can't be there, always lurking, almost as if it is waiting, to come out and spoil things - graduating, getting a job, traveling, buying a house in a few years, hopefully dating, getting married, having kids. The infection and initial broken leg have interfered with so many things in my life - stolen from the normal things. I just want things to be normal and fun now. So the infection needs to get out.
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