Panicky moments

As I mentioned yesterday, I have been having some panic filled moments recently. As my decision to have surgery sets in, I am moving beyond the idea of "I am having surgery that will fix me," to "holy crap! For three months there will be no bone between two ends of my tibia," and "How the hell will I get through several months of IV antibiotics with the dreaded PICC line when I hardly got through eight last time?" I had hoped that making up my mind would make the panic even just a tiny bit less, but it is still there, strong as ever. Truth be told, I am scared. This is probably the scariest thing I have faced in my life, and that is saying something, because I have been through some pretty gnarly stuff. The panic and fear has not swayed me. I completely plan to go ahead with surgery. But the panic is still there, and I need to figure out a way to make it a bit less.

Speaking of surgery itself, I called my orthopedic surgeon's office this morning. After playing phone tag for a while, I finally got hold of reception. I was hoping for an appointment tomorrow, but his clinic was booked full. Next week Friday doesn't work either because the surgeon doesn't have clinic that day. So my appointment is for May 29. I was hoping for earlier, especially since my leg is acting up a bit right now, but it was the best I could get.

My clinical placement started today with a meeting about placement itself, expected behaviors and learning objectives, assignments, a tour of the two wards the group will be on - Oncology Rehab and Orthopedic Rehab - and a computer course in Meditech. It is a weighty moment when you realize that you now have access to all the patient records of the hospital system - I feel proud and a sense of responsibility. They trust us to behave professionally and not mess around with the system.

The tour of the hospital wards confirmed for me my decision to have the surgeries. I only stood for about an hour today. While in the medication room, listening to the instructor talk about appropriate waste receptacles, I thought "Hmm, my leg feels funny," quickly followed by "Oh, great (sarcastically)... that would be my infected leg". I am not sure how I will make it through twelve hour shifts; five hours in long term care was hard enough. Fortunately my clinical instructor is very kind and understanding. She told me that I can sit down/take a break whenever I need to, and that it is okay if I don't work up to taking care of two patients by myself by the end of the semester as long as I am able to make patient care plan, administer medications, manage my time appropriately, etc. I expect to be able to handle two patients - fatigue is not the biggest issue, I think. But standing all day will be quite hard. I am so fortunate that she understands this. Other than standing all day/bone pain, I am quite keen on beginning working with the patients. Next week we don't have clinical, but we do have a bunch of assessments, medications, and nursing interventions we need to research. The week after that will be our "buddy week", where we shadow a nurse for the entire shift. After that we are set free, to an extent, with out own assignments to work on and objectives to meet each week. I am so incredibly excited!

I am now home, in St. Catharines, for the weekend. On the way home mum and I stopped at the hair dresser so I could get that hair cut I was talking about yesterday. Now, as cold as every, I am going to bed.