It is a month! Today, May 20th, I have blogged every day for a month! When I started on April 20th, after coming home from a CT scan, I wasn't entirely convinced I could do it, but here we are! Now I am not sure if I am disappointed or relieved that it is over, or if I will continue posting everyday or not. I will likely not post every day, what with school and the redundancy of posting "my leg hurts, guess who has night sweats, I hope surgery will be scheduled soon" all the time but I would very much like to continue to blog at least every few days. I have found it very calming and therapeutic. It really helps to type out my thoughts and get them (more or less) organized instead of having them fly like bees in a honey jar around my head. And it is important for me to have a record of this time for when I am, hopefully, better one day. Memory changes experiences, and while this experience really sucks at times, I think there are things in it that are important and help me be a better person.
Today was not as promising as I hoped it would be. I woke up some time in the night, drenched in, you guessed it, sweat! That makes five time in the last seven nights. Five freaking times in one week. I couldn't be bothered to change after I woke up... no more groping in the dark for clean, dry pajamas while try to be as quiet as I can be on an incredibly squeaky wooden floor in order to not wake up my roommates and the people who live upstairs. The quieter I try to be, the more noise I seem to make. The last few nights I have felt like an elephant stomping on a pallet of eggs! Last night I simply stripped and rolled over. Unlike my room in St.Catharines that has a twin sized bed, the one in the room I am subletting has a queen. So, like any person who has woken up because of night sweats one too many times, I simply rolled over to a dry sectioned of bed sheets and went back to bed. Normally I wouldn't do this - I would make the effort to find dry sheets and clothing - but after five time a week I none to thrilled when I wake up like that yet again, and to be frank, it is beyond exhausting and frustrating.
I woke up completely exhausted. Didn't feel like I slept a wink (I wonder where this expression comes from). I was really pale - looked like a sheet of paper; I could only get my eyes half open; and there was a killer headache for about an hour in the afternoon. The cold and chills are still sticking around as well. It is to bad that the fading winter didn't take those away with it. I don't know if everything I am feeling is the bone infection (leg didn't hurt at all today!), or the cumulative effect of almost fourteen weeks of antibiotics, or a combination of both, but I am so so so done with it. I need to feel ok, healthy, normal again, but that isn't going to happen... and even by some chance that I do feel really good in the next few months, it will all change when I go on antibiotics again before surgery later this year... By the time I stop the antibiotics next week, and take some time to rebound from how crappy I feel, I will only have maybe two months before I am put on them again, and that is only if the damn infection doesn't do anything. And of course, as I type this, I a get a horrible constricting feeling deep in my leg...
Despite all this, I forced myself to get a tone of school work done today! My focus for the day was the Developmental Psychology course I am in. Tomorrow I will finished the last bit for next weeks psych class, and then continue studying for next weeks patho/pharma/physiology test. I am actually feeling pretty confident about it already. If I had to write it right now, I think that I would pass.
I went on my usual walk around campus tonight. I try to stay out for at least an hour. Yesterday was an hour and a half. I saw the deer again and enjoyed my stolen moments. There were two grazing among a bunch of bushes and trees by a parking lot almost at the sports stadium. I wanted to get a picture, but it was to dark/my phone camera to shoddy, and then I thought "enough with technology and pictures", so I stood there for a quarter hour just being, and taking in the moment. As I was leaving I saw a third dear far away near one of the emergency button/phone stations on campus, exploring the var unnatural blue lights that turns on when someone (or something!) approaches it. It was quite dark down there, not really safe enough to go alone at night, so I left it as is. I am actually not sure if I am allowed to be on campus that late at night, since I don't live in a dorm (I am subletting across the street from campus/the hospital). I haven't been approached my security or anything, but that might namely be because I haven't seen them yet. I hope it is alright, and I will continue to do it unless I am told I can't. It is so peaceful, almost as if you are the only person on the entire campus. Everything feels... I don't know how to describe it. I think a lot when I walk, especially about surgery/bone infection. It's not a feeling that everything will turn out alright in the end, but it is a feeling that things will be ok no matter what happens. I don't think I described that very well... not sure if I can.
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