Resolution

"I am going to call the surgeon today and ask him to schedule the first surgery."

Are you sure?

"Yes."

Would you like to talk about it tomorrow when you are home?

"No. I am going to call his office today." 

Alright.

We can talk about it tomorrow if you like, but we have done that before. We know exactly where we are. Talking more won't change that. I need to make a decision and get on with my life."

This was the conversation my mum and I had via text message this afternoon. I have decided that I am going to go ahead with the surgeries my orthopedic surgeon proposed in February. I am not entirely sure of my decision, but I can't stay in this weird place of waiting anymore. The need to know what is going to happen and to feel in control of my life has been tugging at me for too long. This limbo, or standing on the edge but never either taking the plunge or backing away, us holding me back, frozen. So, even though I am not 100% sure of my decision, I am following my gut and going with it anyways. I am afraid of the pain and discomfort that surgery will bring, of the potential side effects, that surgery might cause more harm than anything else, but I am more terrified of staying where I am right now forever, not being able to make up my mind; ready to act when my leg flares up but eating my words when the pain goes away, allowing myself to almost entirely forget how bad the bone pain can be or how emotionally draining this experience is.

I think that this decision has been coming for a while now. I remember sitting in the fracture clinic on a Friday afternoon in February, desperately asking my surgeon "Can you fix it?", him responding "I can, but it won't be fun". I remember him explaining the surgeries, commenting on my facial reaction: "Yes, it (fixing my leg) is that bad." How I left his office feeling numb and alone. Calling my mum, almost in tears as I sat in the hospital cafe, cutting the call short because my phone was out of money. Then sitting on the bus, feeling very tiny and fragile, surrounded by all these happy people, going home from work, maybe excited for plans for the night and the weekend, while I had to digest all that horrible news. And this horrible feeling of resignation, slowly creeping over me - I would eventually have to get rid of the infection, and that would mean a hell of a lot more pain and being sick before getting better.

The last few months have been full of school and making new friends, living on my own and exploring a new city. It has been wonderful, but at the back of my mind there is always that dilemma - should I have surgery or not? And then I finally made my choice:  I was going to go for it. Then the latest appointment with my surgeon happened. Words like "medically not necessary at the moment", "wait and see", "reevaluate in several weeks when the antibiotics are stopped". There was shock, and sadness, definitely anger too. Then back to the waitng game and weighing out my options - infectious disease vs. irthopedic surgeon vs. my thoughts about it all. 

The last few days are, as some would say, the straw that broke the camels back.

I miss the warmth of the sun on my face, feeling the cool breeze in my hair, being around other people enjoying the spring afternoons. I have been burning like crazy. As a result, I only go outside in the day time to get to and from school (ten minute walk each way max.). I don't want to be on Doxycycline, which seems to keep the infection under control, every time my leg flares up. 

The chills and always being cold are pressing my nerves. Sometimes they are so bad that they feel like they are burning. I never physically shake, but I have to brace myself as they seem to run through my body. I remember how good it felt wnter 2013/14 to be warm for once! That was the first whole winter that I was bone infection free. It made a big difference. I was no more cold than anyone else! As my leg started to hurt more late last fall, the cold feeling and chills came back too. The timing is too much of a coincidence.

Bone pain sucks. There is no real way to describe it. Those of you who have had it know exactly what I am talking about. Dull, achy, and deep is the best I can do. Or as I like to say "like something is taking a it out of the bone". Yesterday was a horrible day for bone pain. There were moments I was almost in tears; others that it caught me so off guard and was so deep and intense that I couldn't move. And then today it was all good - went for a two hour walk on one of the trails at the back of campus and had know pain at all. There was a little bit in the evening, but nothing compared to yesterday.

Night sweats. Good old night sweats. Woke up again at about four this morning with my shirt soaking wet. Happened on Monday morning as well. And once last week. Not to mentioned all mornings I wasn't frenched in sweat but defintly has a wet neck/some moisture on my night shirt

Add eveyrthing together, and I am done. I don't want to wait an see. I don't want to learn to live with it. There is no learning to live with it. It can't be done. Not with the chills and night sweats and bone pain and...

... and don't for get flare ups. Have some wonderful spits on my shin right now - small as always but definitely still there.

Always the same spots. And always such a horrible itch - it is untoucable. You can't see it in this picutre, but when you look closely at the skin you can see it starting to dry out, crack, and flake off. This is what happens when the swelling goes down. 

I don't want it anymore. Any of it. Hence the decision to go ahead with surgery. The potential risks are worth it. I am to young live with this forever.

I called the fracture clinic today, but they had already closed. Who would have thought reception only picks up from 8am - 12pm? I will call again tomorrow morning.Fortunately clinical doesn't start until 10, so I have time to call before I leave my place in the morning. I will mentioned my leg as well. Maybe I should call infectious disease as well. Since my leg didn't hurt nearly as much today as it did yesterday I didn't call. Maybe I should now that I have made my decision to opt for surgery. 

Unrelated to bone infections and all that, my walk behind campus was lovely! It smelled woodsy, as is expected! Lovely damp soil and fresh springs leaves - still that soft light green. And the sweet aroma of budding flowers on threes all around campus, greeting me as I stepped outside my front door this afternoon. Because I live right across from campus, I feel that it is kind of my home (even though I am not in a dorm). Old brick buildings, arch ways, greenhouses, stone benches - it feels academic. Tall fir trees, lots of grass and greenery, pine cones! I honestly felt like I was walking in a vacation park back in Drenthe. And it is a beautiful campus! I have also been exploring the neighborhoods around the campus. There is a  very European feel. It feels like home.

 View either way from the bench I was sitting on.

Me in my lovely sun hat, keeping the sun away!

For the sake of it, here are several other pictures.

 

 In my scrubs after the first lab class of the semester! Can you tell how tired I am?

 

Me this evening. Still tired. Need to get  hair cut. Wish I had thought of that earlier... not I have to go to clinical with this weird fringy bits at the back... so much for looking all put together on the first day!

I went on another walk around 9:30 tonight. Completely unintentional - only meant to go to Shoppers Drugmart (not even 5 minute walk away) to buy lip chap with sunscreen in it. Ended up walking around campus again - saw Mr. Raccoon in his usual spot by the sport field, totally unperturbed by the horded of athletes practicing. I should get a picture of him one day. Also saw a host of tiny black baby squirrels running along the ivy creeping up one of the older buildings on campus, and skunk strutting around with its tail in the air (I walked away quickly!) by one of the houses near campus.
When I got home I took a second shower for the day (completely unlike me). It helped for a bit but I am once more freezing cold and have the chills. 

To end ona  good note, I am trying a new lip chap tonight (not the one that protects my lips from the sun - apprently they can burn too...). It is raspberry rose - smells so light and airy!

Sorry they picture is so blurry.

That is all for tonight, I think. Over the last few weeks I have had some moments of pure panic at the though of what surgery means - not walking on my right leg for three plus months, living without a piece of tibia - two ends completely disconnected form one another, the dreaded PICC line, surgery itself and waking up groggy and in pain afterwards... but I am happy I have come to a decision. I am happy to feel I have some control back. Over the past days people have asked me why I can't just live with it. That is a difficult and personal question to answer. I hardly ever talk about how my leg broke - it is not a story worth repeating. It also bring back very difficult memories - which is another reason to go with the surgery. I need to move on from the past. Also, it has been over nine years. I have been through so much - surgeries, uncertainly, being sent away from doctors without answers, pain/physical symptoms, missing out on the normal things other people my age do, the emotional roller coaster. It is time for this to get better and go away. It is not as simple as "just living with it" or not thinking about it. I wish it were. Instead I have chosen to fight it, again, Hopefully this time it works.