Angry

I am very pleased to say that I did not have any night sweats last night! Woohoo! I finally got the good solid night sleep I needed! On top of that, my leg hardly hurt at all - just the odd stinging here and there and pain every time I took a step for about ten minute this evening while I was taking a walk. And on top of that, the spot on my shin looks pretty good today - not fluid coming out of it, no excessive redness/puffiness. This is quite pleasing for me =)

My day went pretty well, although I broke my favorite water bottle by accident. I was putting it down so I could get my shoes on and I dropped it by accident. Fortunately I was able to get another one (although not the same pattern) at the gift shop of the hospital where I see my infectious disease specialist. The hospital is right across the street from my place, and right on campus where I have class. The benefit of being both a patient and a nursing student is that I know where the gift shop is an don't feel out of place there! I can totally just walk into the hospital to go to the gift shop because I do it when I have doctors appointments too.

Mum drove me back to Hamilton yesterday evening. Traffic was quite slow, so we had lots of time to talk. We got to talking about the bone infection and I said I am angry. I am not just angry, or a little bit upset. I am angry angry angry. I am angry that this is happening to me, that the infection came back, that I need more surgery. I am angry that we all got our hopes up that the last surgery would work, and despite, at the time, my gut feeling and my fears, I let myself believe that I was better and I became comfortable with that feeling. I was convinced I was ok, and I moved on, and now I am back where I started. Back to being ill and uncertainty and fear and waiting, and that is devastating and crushing. I have said that I am angry before - that is not something new, but I never let myself reflect on how angry I actually I am. It is not anger at a person - not at my doctors who I truly believe have my best interest at heart and thought that they had successfully treated me. I am angry at the situation. I am angry that against all the chances there were for this to never come back, that it did anyways. I am angry that I am, given my high hopes about the 2012 surgery and the recent relapse, that I already question whether more surgery is even worthwhile because what if it comes back anyways. This is a deep sadness. I am not sure if it (surgery, a chance to get rid of the infection) is worth it. I am not sure if I want to fight it anymore. In a way I feel like I have given up, and that is something I never thought I would say. And that makes me angry.

I discussed this with one on my classmates on the bus today. I told her I am angry that this takes up such a portion of my life that I talk about it everyday, and that my friends/family have to listen to it too. I said I feel like throwing things, breaking things. I want to get a cheap ugly, utterly hideous set of dishware from a thrift store and throw it all, piece for piece, against a brick wall. I want the angry to go away. She understood. I am so glad she understood, because most people don't... they can't. Not really; not unless they have gone through a chronic health issue/relapse themselves.

Don't get me wrong, I am not walking around all day everyday like an ominous dreary rain cloud casting gloom and darkness everywhere I go. There are many wonderful aspects of myself, and I am often very happy. But, at the moment, everything is underlined with bone infection and surgery, and that make me very sad (and have I mentioned angry!).

Now that I have used the word angry countless times without bothering to look up other versions of that word in a thesaurus, I am sure we are all sick of it. I think that it is time for bed - I am freezing cold again. Venting on here helped relieve some stress and emotions a bit, and now I can curl up in bed with a good book and hopefully get warm.